Brand New Morning Show On Channelnewsasia

Brand New Morning Show

Richard Lui: Welcome everyone to a brand new morning show on Channelnewsasia.
Suzanne Jung: That’s right Richard. After months of contemplating and then revamping, we are proud to launch this new morning program aptly named “Wake Up your Fucking Ideas Singapore”. A name that’s sure to ring some resonance among our viewers.
Richard: In this revamped morning show, we’ll be discussing all the hot and controversial issues gripping the nation. We’ll also be inviting viewers to call in and share their views.
Suzanne: Talking about hot and controversial issue, the announcement by the government to consider setting up a casino is already polarizing the country into 2 distinct camps, each with their own arguments and views to be heard.
Richard: Yes, it is indeed refreshing to see a fierce debate happening right here in sterile Singapore. So what’s your own opinion on this issue Suzanne?
Suzanne: Who cares. I’m a Korean.
Both laugh heartily.

Richard: Our phone lines are now open to our viewers. If you have something to add to this casino issue, the number to call is 1900-66911-123……. And we have a caller on the line now. Hello?
Caller #1: Knock Knock.
Richard: Eh…. Who’s there?
Caller #1: Who
Richard: Who who?
Caller #1: Knock Knock.
Richard: Who’s there!?
Caller #1: Who.
Richard: Who who!?
Caller #1: Knock knock
Richard: Who’s the bloody fuck is there!?
Caller #1: Who.
Richard: WHO WHO!?
Caller #1: Can you please stop talking like an owl. Muahahahaha.
Caller hangs up.

Suzanne: That’s so retard.
Richard: Yah man. What’s that all about? Fucking bastard. Please do not make nuisance calls. We can and we will trace your calls ok and then we’ll wallop your face so seriously, your Mama will have trouble differentiating your face from your ass. We seem to have another caller on the line. Hello? Who’s there speaking?
Caller #2: Hello. Power 98 is it? I like to request a song for my beloved boyfriend Justin. I want to take this opportunity to tell Justin that I will always treasured the time we spend together and that I love him very much.
Suzanne spits on the floor.

Suzanne: May I know your name dear?
Caller #2: Cassandra.
Suzanne: Well Cassandra, you know what? Screw you. Screw you and your boyfriend. I’ll have you know that this is not a radio station but a multiple awards winning news network with millions of viewers tuning in to us at this moment throughout Asia. So please save your mushy gushy comment in the hotel room in Geylang. I’m sure it will come in more useful there.
Richard hi-five Suzanne.

Richard: Well said Suzanne. The thing that irks me most is to have someone calling into an inferior radio station requesting for a song. *Richard spits on the floor*. And the shameless guts to even call one which doesn’t belong to Mediacorp’s stable of radio stations.
Suzanne: Such sheer audacity. That bitch. Hope they contracted STD or something. Lets pick up another call. Hello? You there? You are on air now. Speaks up you wuss.
Caller #3: Oh hi, just to share my 2 cents worth about the casino issue.
Richard: Go ahead.
Caller #3: I think it’s regrettable that the government is considering allowing for the setting up of a casino. Don’t they know the severe social impact and the repercussions it would create, not to mention the eroding of our values. I think the government is stupid and should take this time to reflect on their action.
Richard: What’s your name sir?
Caller #3: Eric Lim.
Richard: Well, Mr Eric Lim, as a subsidiary of the Government, this network doesn’t take too kindly to criticisms of the government. Your call has been traced and your particular forwarded to the Home Affair Ministry. You will hear from the authority pretty soon. Have a nice day.
Line cut.

Suzanne: You know Richard, seems like we are not getting the kinds of calls we wanted. Lets just proceed to Paul for the market report. Morning Paul, so how’s the market doing today.
Paul Dekkers: Not good Suzanne. Not good at all. We are seeing a sharp increase in price on several fronts in the market. The bird flu that’s affecting Thailand and Vietnam right now, has a diverse impact on the market. For example, at Tekka wet market, the price of a whole chicken is standing at $5.00 per 1.1kg. A mark increase from just 2 weeks ago. Eggs are selling at 3 to 5 times their usual prices. Seng Choon eggs for example are retailing at $3.30 for a tray of ten.
Richard: I say, fuck Mr Seng Choon. What about fish. Has the tsunami affected the harvesting of fishes?
Paul: Good question Richard. Well the tsunami has not really affected the prices of fishes. Prices have remained surprisingly stable. Just to list a few, white pomfret is selling at $14.20, sea bass at $10.60 per kg and salmon gutted head at $40.50 per 4kg.
Suzanne: Sounds fishy to me. *Smile smugly at her supposedly clever use of pun* How about vegetables Paul. I’m a vegetarian.
Paul: Well Suzanne, if I’m you, I’ll be please to learn that baby kai lan is still selling at $1.30 per 200g, celery at $3.45/1.2kg, chye sim at $3.10/kg, kang kong at $2.70/kg, pek chye at $1.60/500g and phuay leng at $2.20/500g. Really not much changes from yesterday or the week before.
Suzanne: Ok thanks Paul. And that’s Paul Dekkers with the market report. I think we are coming close to the end of today’s edition of “ Wake Up Your Fucking Ideas Singapore”.
Richard: Oh my, how times fly. Anything to add Suzanne?
Suzanne: Nothing much. Just something that has been bugging me since I co-host this show with you.
Richard: And what will that be?
Suzanne: Why do you keep sitting with your legs so wide apart? They are almost 180 degrees spaced out.
Richard: What can I say. I’m very well endowed right down there.
Suzanne: Aiyoh, so naughty.
Both laughed like a pair of hyenas.

-FADE OUT-

Men in white short sleeve shirts, ties and black pants (MIWSSSTBP)

Note: This entry is not meant to be offensive. Please read it with an open mind. If you are still offended in any way, the writer would like to offer his humble backside as an apology.

Have you guys seen any ang mohs clad smartly in white short sleeve shirts, ties and black pants walking in a group of two or three around Toa Payoh central lately. Well, for your info, they are not salesmen or IT personnel. They are actually from a church that is based oversea, preaching their religion to passers-by. Cheeky didn’t know that until he was approached by one on his way to his parents’ home. Actually it was the first time anyone ever approached cheeky to preach about God. Don’t know why, but cheeky thinks it’s because he got a ‘horny’ appearance thus most preachers instantaneously deemed him to be satanic upon seeing him. This particular ang moh guy blocked cheeky in his way and strike up a conversation.

Alex: Hi, how are you?
Cheeky: Not good, groin area damn itchy.
Alex: Eh… ok, my name is Alex, what’s yours?
Cheeky: Cheeky.
Alex: Nice name. Do you have a religion?
Cheeky: I’m a free thinker. Please do not discriminate against me.
Alex: Of course not. *suddenly leaning very closely* I say, are you available by any chance?
Cheeky instinctively placed his hands behind his backside

Cheeky: I’m not gay. You fucking perv.
Alex: Haha, sorry. What I mean is, are you available for a chat?
Cheeky’s hands still clutched tightly to his butt.

Cheeky: What for?
Alex: To let you know more about God.
Cheeky: Which one? Tua Pei Gong or Tee Gong
Alex: Hah?
Cheeky: Hah what? My mom told me that these 2 are very powerful gods and can kick a lot of ass ok.
Alex: Haha. No, no. The God I’m going to talk to you about is the one mention in the bible
Cheeky: Oh, I see. Well, it depends on your sincerity.
Alex: Eh… can you define it for me?
Cheeky: I’m quite hungry. If you are really sincere, maybe you can buy me dinner and then we can talk it over the meal.
Alex’s face contorted slightly as if he kena stroke.
Alex: Eh… ok.

So being a native, cheeky spared no effort in bringing a foreigner to the best food in Toa Payoh that money can buy. He brought Alex to Crystal Jade to sample all the mouth-watering cuisines.

Alex: Eh… I thought we are going to a hawker center or fast food restaurants.
Cheeky: *chuckle* Oh Alex Alex, I didn’t know your sincerity is so cheap. *chuckle some more* Aiyah, never mind lah. Anyway nice meeting you. *pretend to leave*
Alex: No no wait wait. I’m just joking. Hahaha.

With that, we proceed into the restaurant, ordered and began tucking into some expensive and delightful Cantonese dishes. In between mouthfuls of shark fins and abalones, cheeky have in depth discussion with Alex on God and the teaching of the bible. However, Alex seemed to be pre-occupied with something else.

Cheeky: Alex, are you okay?
Alex: Oh, yah yah, I’m fine. So are we done?
Cheeky: You know, there’s this passage in the bible that I’m quite confuse about. Why not we discuss it further over desserts. There’s this durian pudding that this restaurant is famous for, so I was thinking of ordering a few bowls and maybe tapao an additional dozen for my family. You don’t mind hor.
Alex: ……….
Cheeky: Yo Alex, you there?
Alex: Yah yah. Feel free to order anything.
Cheeky: Thanks Alex. You are the best preacher ever.
Alex: You are welcome. Don’t mind me, but I’ll like to visit the restroom first.
Cheeky: Sure, go ahead.

Cheeky don’t know what happened to Alex, but that was the last time he ever saw him. Cheeky was feeling pretty indignant about being left waiting in the restaurant like a fool and having to pay for the meals. Oh Alex, why did you do such a thing? Cheeky was almost near to being converted by you, if only you have bought the durian puddings and help to foot the bill. You cut me deep Alex, real deep. So deep in the pockets that Cheeky has to munch on bread/biscuits and plain water for the next few weeks. Please everyone, if you ever see an ang moh wearing white short sleeve shirt, black pants, a tie and carrying a black haversack walking around Toa Payoh central, feel free to give him a kick in the ass. Cheeky would feel most appreciated. And by the way Alex, if you happen to be reading this, cheeky still has the receipt from the restaurant with him.

P.S. Calm one has been hounded by chicks who think he looks like Jay Chou. The poor guy is feeling damn stress because of it. As a responsible netizen, cheeky feels that it’s only right that he helps a fellow blogger. So to all the chicks who have been pestering calm one, please leave him alone. If you want, you can harass cheeky. No need to thank me calm one, it’s all in a day’s work for cheeky. In case you are wondering, cheeky really resembles Jay Chou a lot, but only on Tuesday and Thursday. For the rest of the week he resembles Takeshi Kaneshiro and maybe Won Bin on a Sunday.

A letter to Aunt Agony on Valentine’s Day

Dear Aunt Agony,

I’m feeling utterly miserable today as it is Valentine’s Day. This is the eight straight year that I’m spending it alone since my boyfriend left me for another guy. This whole Valentine thingy irritates me to no end. The sight of lovey dovey couples whispering sweet nothing to each other while walking down the streets make my blood boils to 240 Fahrenheit and still rising. The smell of roses everywhere I turn make me feel like shredding them to bits with my nicely sharpened manicure nails. Sometimes I have half a mind of grabbing one of those women totally smitten in love by the hair and giving her two tight slaps because I’m so fill with envy and jealousy. If Saint Valentine is alive today, I will skin him alive, drive a steel rod up his ass and through his mouth, brush him with Da Hua barbecue sauce and roast him slowly over a hot sizzling fire and share the finished products with fellow Valentine’s haters. Does Aunt Agony hates Valentine’s Day by any chance?

Yours Sincerely
Maria

Dear Maria,

Yes, I totally feel your pain. I really do. I hate Valentine’s Day too. Every Valentine’s, scores of men and fancy cars will be queuing right outside my condominium hoping to snag a date with me, thus causing the notorious traffic jam along Scotts road often seen on TV. I will be bombarded with complaints by neighbors and the traffic police, with threats to charge and sue me. My answering machine will almost always go bust due to overwhelming messages requesting for a date. Every where I go, men will be holding up their placards proclaiming their love and admiration for me, thereby embarrassing me further. Because of all these, I become the target of hatred of every woman in Singapore every 14th of Feb. Not that it only happen once in a while, but the situation get extremely worse on Valentine’s Day. Even as I’m typing this, bouquets of flowers are being delivered to my apartment at the rate of one every 5 minutes. As much as my apartment is posh and spacious, there’s a limit to how much flowers it can accommodate. You know, sometimes in the middle of the night, I will sit alone in my room, cry and lament why me. Why can’t they leave me alone? What is it about me that men can’t get enough of? What is so desirable about me that cause men to queue outside for hours under the hot sun just to catch a glimpse of me? This whole Valentines thingy is causing me much stress and traumas. I simply can’t get any work done because my routine will be abruptly disrupted on this day. Dear Maria, I share your anguish and despair and I hope through this letter, you will realize that there are people worst off than you on Valentines Day – example, being yours truly- and I hope you can find the courage and strength to go through this treacherous period.

Yours Sincerely
Aunt Agony

Cheeky was a forum guest

Cheeky was recently invited to a forum to talk about issues concerning blogging. Cheeky was rather hesitative because he has only blog for a little more than 7 months. Shouldn’t they invite more established and renowned bloggers like Mr Brown, Miyagi san or Xiaxue. But the organizers reassured cheeky that he had all the pedigree to attend the forum as a guest, which by the way was conducted on a grand scale. On such a grand scale my foot. The forum was actually held at the void deck of Blk 123 at Ang Mo Kio Ave 3. But cheeky forgave them on account of having a few hot chicks among the measly number of audiences who has came far and wide to hear cheeky speaks. The forum went well and cheeky obliged the organizer for a Q and A session. The audience were polite until one particular bugger came forward and started to be rude.

Bugger: Hello Mr Cheebye. Opps sorry, Mr Cheeky. My name is Xia Lan. Just to let you know first, I’m a fucking smart undergrad from NUS. I’m majoring in English and Political Science and currently I’m also the star debater in my varsity team, so you jolly well don’t fuck around with half fuck replies to my questions. Lim Peh got a few questions to ask you.
Cheeky: Eh… nice to meet you Xia Lan. Shoot.
Bugger: I came across your blog a few days ago. It’s fucking distasteful. Full of explicit languages and strong sexual contents. What the fuck do you think you are doing. Do you know kids can easily access your blog? You have no fucking moral values. Shame on you.
Cheeky: Haha. Firstly, just to reassure you. You don’t put your life at risk by labeling me as someone with no moral values. Now about your comment concerning my blog. Frankly speaking, I can’t do anything about kids accessing my blog. I got no control over such matter. The final responsibility ultimately lies with the parents. If you are not happy with what’s written, don’t read it, ban your kids from reading it. It’s that simple.
Bugger: For your info, I don’t need your fucking reassurance. Another question. Do you think there’s a need for stipulation and rules when it comes to blogging.
Cheeky: I don’t think there’s a need. Blogging is our last avenue for voicing out our opinions in Singapore. By restricting it with so many rules will only dwindle the number of Singaporean who still has the sense of mind to think and argue about certain issue in the Internet domain.
Bugger: Fuck you. With no rules and law in place, how can we be sure that bloggers will not abuse the freedom accorded to them. Even the most enlightened blogger with no checks in place will gradually abused the rights of free speech.
Cheeky: Hahaha. I think you over exaggerate the issues. How old is your father?
Bugger: Fuck you. You don’t anyhow talk about my father hor.
Cheeky: Relax lah. I only want to ask about his age mah.
Bugger: My father is fucking plus years old. Nabeh, I mean he’s fifty plus years old. What the fuck you want?
Cheeky: If he’s 50 plus, then he will remember. You are not going to influence the whole society simply just by voicing out an opinion let alone blogging. People are smart. They are not going to believe everything they read or heard.
Bugger: One more question, but I warn you don’t talk about my father again hah.
Cheeky: Sure. Lets talk about your mother instead.
Bugger: Fuck you. You don’t try to be funny hor. Back to my question. How come I left several comments on your blog, only one managed to get a reply?
Cheeky: Hello. Your comments only consist of =), =0, ;-p and :-D. How the fuck am I going to reply. If you are so unhappy about it, go and start your own blog lah. You know how to start a blog right? You don’t know hor, I have friends who can help you.
Bugger: Nabeh cheebye. Are you trying to be sarcastic? I’m very tu lang already. After this forum, you better check your back while walking back. You won’t know what the fuck just hit you.

And so the forum ended on a rather sour note. The organizer did a good job restraining the bugger from hurting cheeky and thank goodness, no one else hantam Cheeky while he was walking back to the bus stop. After this incident, cheeky don’t think he’s game for another stint as a forum guest because his balls are not made of steel. And yes, the bugger was damn xia lan

A note to the organizer: Next time if you are thinking of inviting someone to your forum, at least has the good sense to send him/her back in a cab.

A day in the subway

Location: Bishan MRT station
Time: 15:23 p.m GMT

Boarded the train. Found an empty seat opposite a babe. Some young Afro American-wannabe clad in hip-hop attire was sitting beside cheeky. His headphone was blasting some song by 50 cents and he kept nodding his head. It’s so loud, it irritated the hell out of everyone within the vicinity. Yah yah wannabe, we know you are listening to 50 cents. Yah, yah we know you want us to know what song you are listening. Yah yah, we know you want us to know you are hip and cool even though you have no idea, absolutely no idea what the fuck the singer was actually singing. Here’s a dollar, do us a favor, roll over and fuck off at the next station, will ya?

Location: Braddell MRT station
Time: 15:29 p.m GMT Afro wannabe, surprise surprise, really did fuck off at the next station. But he didn’t roll over. Bastard. An elderly man boarded the train. Everyone fell asleep immediately as if on cue, including the 2 aunties who were yakking away just seconds ago. Simply amazing reflexes. Elderly man chose to stand in front of cheeky. Cheeky act blur and proceeded to stare at the ceiling. The ceiling got a lizard crawling. It’s quite a big lizard. Cheeky’s line of sight travelled along the ceiling until he somehow managed to steal a glance at the babe. The babe sitting opposite of cheeky gave cheeky a look. A look that seemed to say “Inconsiderate twag”. Hoping to impress the babe, cheeky stood up and offered his seat to the elderly man.

Afro wannabe, surprise surprise, really did fuck off at the next station. But he didn’t roll over. Bastard. An elderly man boarded the train. Everyone fell asleep immediately as if on cue, including the 2 aunties who were yakking away just seconds ago. Simply amazing reflexes. Elderly man chose to stand in front of cheeky. Cheeky act blur and proceeded to stare at the ceiling. The ceiling got a lizard crawling. It’s quite a big lizard. Cheeky’s line of sight travelled along the ceiling until he somehow managed to steal a glance at the babe. The babe sitting opposite of cheeky gave cheeky a look. A look that seemed to say “Inconsiderate twag”. Hoping to impress the babe, cheeky stood up and offered his seat to the elderly man.Cheeky: Come Ah Pek, I let you sit.
Ah Pek: Don’t need lah. I’m still fit and healthy.
Cheeky: No no, I insists.
Ah Pek: TOLD YOU DON’T NEED LOH!
By now everyone was awaken by the loud voice and was watching the spectacle in front of them. Cheeky whispered to Ah Pek

Cheeky: Ah Pek, you are embarrassing me. Why don’t you just be good and take a seat.
Ah Pek: EMBARRASS, EMBARRASS LAH! TOLD YOU DON’T NEED LOH! YOU DEAF HAH!?
Cheeky heard some laughter and chuckles. He whispered to Ah Pek again.

Cheeky: Ah Pek, please sit down. Please?
Ah Pek: YOU SOMETHING WRONG HAH? TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES I DON’T WANT TO SIT LOH!
More laughter and sniggles. Cheeky leaned forward and whispered into Ah Pek’s ear.

Cheeky: You left me with no choice then.
Cheeky delivered a swift blow to Ah Pek’s lower abdomen, away from the glances of the commuters. Ah Pek groaned softly and immediately crouched down for some support. Cheeky quickly helped him up.

Cheeky: Ah Pek, are you feeling unwell? Come come, quick take a seat.
Ah Pek sat down, glared at cheeky and muttered softly while still clutching his stomach.
Ah Pek: Si Gi Nah (brat)

Cheeky scurried off to the other end of the train.

Location: Toa Payoh MRT station
Time: 15:33 p.m GMT

Hordes of people boarded the train, all looking for seats. Seats seemed to be a hot commodity in Singapore. Too bad it’s not traded on the stock exchange. A middle age man standing by the door was digging his nose with much gusto with his index finger. He left his produce by the edge of the door. Someone handphone rang. The ring tone was a song by Ricky Martin. Cheeky felt like shaking his bom bom. An Ah Lian answered the phone.

Ah Lian: Halo, Sebastian hah. Wah lau, you not friend lah. Yesterday my birthday, you never call to wish me happy birthday. I told you hor, Alex called me immediately at midnight. Michael called me at 12:03. Richard at 12:05. You leh, never call at all. You not my friend olreadi lah……

Location: Novena MRT station
Time: 15:39 p.m GMT

More people boarded the train, including a few ang mohs. The ang mohs seemed irritated by the pushing and shoving. Cheeky was now standing besides a man who was only wearing a singlet and berms. The man was balding and has a comb over hairstyle. He raised his arm to grab the handle. This man has an overwhelming supply of armpit hair. Would be a good idea to transplant some of it to his head. Just a thought. By now, Cheeky was feeling slightly nauseous due to the smell of the man’s sweaty armpit. He made his way through the crowd to avoid vomiting.

Location: Newton MRT station
Time: 15:43 p.m GMT The ang mohs alighted with a disgusted look on their faces. A few people boarded the train including a young couple still wearing their school uniforms. The gal was hugging the guy, with her head resting on his chest. The guy’s left hand was groping the gal’s butt while the other held on to the railing. They were oblivious to the stares from the commuters surrounding them. Cheeky saw a gal standing a few inches away from him. She was wearing a pair of black rim glasses and had her dyed brown hair tied up in a ponytail. A very cute looking gal. She fits Cheeky’s ideal look for a girlfriend. The next few minutes was spending admiring this gal from a distance, but alas, all good things must come to an end at some point of time.

The ang mohs alighted with a disgusted look on their faces. A few people boarded the train including a young couple still wearing their school uniforms. The gal was hugging the guy, with her head resting on his chest. The guy’s left hand was groping the gal’s butt while the other held on to the railing. They were oblivious to the stares from the commuters surrounding them. Cheeky saw a gal standing a few inches away from him. She was wearing a pair of black rim glasses and had her dyed brown hair tied up in a ponytail. A very cute looking gal. She fits Cheeky’s ideal look for a girlfriend. The next few minutes was spending admiring this gal from a distance, but alas, all good things must come to an end at some point of time.Location: Orchard MRT station
Time: 15:47 p.m GMT

Cheeky alighted. He turned to catch a glimpse of the gal. Their eyes met in the midst of the crowd. She smiled. Cheek’s heart skipped a beat. The train door closed between them and whisked off. The moment was short but sweet. It was good while it lasted. Cheeky proceeded to meet his friends.