The birds and the bees

When did you learn about the ‘birds and the bees’? (why is it called birds and the bees in the first place huh). I learned mine at around 13 back in the days when there’s no such thing call the internet and sex education wasn’t even taught in school. Any questions regarding sex would warrant 1 good slap from the teacher, 2 good slaps from the parents and cries of pervert/sick bastard (usually along that line) from neighbours.
So where did a poor, horny innocent boy turn to? Why his friendly local videos supplier ‘uncle x’ of course. Uncle x literally welcomed all horny people with open arms, man did I feel appreciated. I got to know uncle x from the monthly flyers he posted in our mailbox. He never fail to come up with interesting titles like ‘lust of the mohicans’, ‘topless gun’ etc for his videos. I can tell from his expression/gesture that he genuinely wanted us to learn more about sex by recommending many titles to us(reviews provided). If not for uncle x, I would never have know about the birds and the bees. Too bad I didn’t get a chance to thank him, heard he was arrested by the police in a raid.
However, once you start to know about the birds and the bees, your thoughts inevitably turned to your parents, and then you cringe, and then you remember about the scene of the dog and bitch making out in the park, and then you think about your parents again, and then you puke. I remembered walking past my parents with a disgusted look and mumbled, ‘you filthy filthy disgusting lecherous pair ‘. It took me quite a while to get over it but my impression of them changed there after. I don’t know how sex education is conducted in school now, but if you ever need some help, feel free to contact uncle x, heard he is out and back in business (with a website no less).

Nostalgic schooling days (part 2)

My secondary school rocks man, well if you happen to be a student. It’s a heaven for students I tell you because rules are so lax. It’s a boy school(used to) with a less than desirable reputation and worse, it situated next to another reputable boy school. Every once in a while, the discipline master will announce  this during morning assembly, ‘ can the following students from the following class stay back to assist the police in the following case.’

For my eca I was in my school badminton team for 4 years, however it resembled more like a leisure activity for senior citizens. You see, we don’t really come for any practice sessions, rather we come to chit chat, play a few sets, sign our names and that’s it. Heck, I didn’t even come for any sessions during my final year, but the school nevertheless credited me as a school player for all 4 years. I love the school i tell you. My school is never  good academically. For the annual school ranking excersise if you wanna to search for it, go straight to the section ‘the other schools’. It’s never ranked in any categories and the tradition continue till this day. But what makes my school so memorable were the teachers. They are really one of a kind.

I remember my sec 1 form teacher. She’s an indian and look ravishing, it’s as though she just step out of a bollywood set. Me and my classmates used to alert each other whenever she crossed her legs. Now now, boys will be boys ok. I looked forward to her class everyday, too bad she taught us only one subject.
My sec 2 form teacher was a god send, simply because he used to give tips for the history exam questions he’s setting for the school. And i must add, he’s very generous with his tips, it went something like these:

: Class, i want you to flip to page 23, oooh, I like the part where it talked about how Singapore was founded. Now turn to page 35…………. i don’t know about you, but i feel a tinkling sensation when i see paragraph 2 and 3. Can we turn to page 53…………..man i sure feel horny looking at that whole page.

Ok I exaggerate, but you get the idea. Then there’s our geography teacher. He wore gold rim spectacle and gold chain and he always excuse himself from class to make phone calls. We suspect him to be speculating in shares because he always spouted the following sentence, ‘ so how benny, is it performing well, good sell it.’
Our PE teacher simply can’t be bothered with us. For our PE lessons, he would arrived with 2 balls ( I’m not talking about his, you filthy minds). One basketball and a football and told us to do as we please and that’s it. So for 4 whole years, we were playing basketball and football all the time while our PE teacher went to drink kopi.

It was a good, stress free and memorable 4 years, can anyone ask for more.

 

 

 

 

Comics

You guys know the comic strip ‘peanuts’ right. Well I have a re-acquaintance with it recently. Back when I was a kid,  ‘peanuts’ to me was a bore. The jokes were so lame and it didn’t cracked me up like the rest. I always skipped it when I read the comic section. However, its appeal start to rub on me now that I’m an adult. I don’t really know the reasons, you just get a nice feeling reading it. Maybe ‘peanuts’ is meant to be read by adults after all because it brings you back to your childhood seeing all these kids characters in the strips.

There’s another comic I read when I was a kid. It’s call ‘doraemon’. It’s a classic japanese comic. If you ask anyone from asia, most will probably have read or know about it. The comic is about a robot cat call doraemon’that arrived from the future and resides in a boy’s home. Now doraemon has a pouch that contains all sort of weird gadgets from the future and he and the boy ‘da xiong’ always get into all types of adventures and troubles using them. One particular episode stood out now that I recall about it. In one story, doraemon has a gadget that can help da xiong, who’s not exceptionally bright become smart. The drawback is that he’ll lose all memories he had prior to using it. Da xiong in the end decides to forsake the use of the gadget because he can’t bear to lose the memories he share with doraemon. Wah, so touching hor. It doesn’t really leave an impression on you when you read it as a kid but it takes on a whole new meaning when you are an adult. The two comics have simple plots and stories but they create a lasting appeal on people. Maybe that’s why they are called classics.

Balls

An incident happened on the bus today. The bus I was on was travelling through little india when an indian foreign worker boarded the bus. Now now now, I have nothing against Indians or foreign workers whatsoever, but then this man started to scratch his balls. Frankly speaking I have no problem with this act of his. Being a man, I truly understand his predicament, when your ‘buddy’ starts to itch, you jolly well scratch it (albeit in a discreet manner lah). However the manner that this man scratched his was like he got damn bloody Big Balls the size of coconuts. Is he trying to prove something to me, why that cheeky bastard. Before everyone start to say I’m envious or jealous, let me state that yours truly is very please with his own ‘package’, thank you very much.

Dear Big Balls,
It has been an unforgetable encounter on the bus today. I was left in awe by your public display of manliness. I’m left with absolutely no doubt that you have danm big balls and i’m sure it comes with a pretty sizable family jewel. I’m sure you are proud of what you have and were eager to share your good fortune with the rest of us. But why oh why must you sniffed your hand after using it to scratch your balls?

Nostalgic schooling days (part 1)

I remember my days in my primary school ( the school no longer exist by the way ) with fond memories, well at least for the last 2 years. It was filled with fun, exicitement and canning, yup capital punishment was widely practiced at that time.

My first day in primary school was not memorable though. Being from a dialect speaking family, my english was almost none existent. Worse, my form teacher was an ‘ang mo’, my first encounter with a foreign species. I still can remember vividly his appearence, he has curly blonde hair and we addressed him as Mr Pereria. Since I can barely understand english, most of the time, I’m clueless of what’s going on around me thus I was often scolded but its ok, I didn’t understand what he was scolding anyway.

Way before the word ‘streaming’ caused our primary 4 schoolkids to shit in their pants (sometimes parents included), my school was already practising it, I believe we were the pioneer of this horrible system. We were streamed not during primary 4, no no no, we were streamed during primary one. Quiet down everyone, yes your vision are ok, we were indeed streamed in Primary 1 within the class. The student were categorized according to out learning ability. The smart one, moderate one and the stupid one were placed in group A,B and C respectively. Yours truly, due to his linguistic problems, was stucked in C for 3 whole years. To further differentiate the groups, each group was assigned a group colour and we were given colour stickers to paste on our exercise books and textbooks. We were like contestants in ‘survivor’ each with their own tribe. To top it off, the teacher had the enviable task to ‘promote’ and ‘demote’ students at his own whim and fancy throughout the school year.

Scenerio:

Teacher: Bob, you are demoted. Go join the group of losers
Bob: Wah, why? I scored full marks for all my tests what.
Teacher: Ha ha ha, you are so naive Bob.
Bob: why are you doing this?
Teacher: Because you have the cheek to make an unflattering comment about my butt. You are so going down boy!!
Bob: NO……………

This sort of system does create an unhealthy class system and inferiority complex in students. But I was ok, like I said, I was clueless most of the time. The situation improved when I reached primary 5, where my grasp of the english language was improving. Streaming still exist according to classes and not within classes. It was during these 2 years, that I truly enjoyed my primary school days. For once I like going to school.

Farting

My dad lurve……. to fart. He can’t start his day without a good nice fart. He fart all day, from morning till night, from night till morning, it’s an ongoing 24 hours activity. His fart is those noisy odourless type and if he concentrate hard, the fart can last at least 5 seconds. He say that this indicate that his digestive system is working fine. We told him off many times but he retorted by intensifying his farting. If he’s in the mood, he’ll perform a symphony for us to enjoy. What can I say, the man’s a fart king.

Friendship

Went to someone wedding dinner recently and notice that all his buddies are helping him in everything that night from being the emcee, manning the counter and tending to the guests. What really got my attention are the genuine joy on their faces. They were really feeling happy for him. I have a chat with him and learned that his buddies are friends from his secondary school days.

This incident brings me back to an article that i have read a few years ago. In the article, the writer says that frienships forge during your schooling days especially your secondary and junior college days are the one that will last you a life time. I kind of agree with the writer. The writer explains that during this period apart from exams, the majority of us basically lead a carefree life thus everyone has no hidden agenda or motive to befriend each other. In short, the friendship is genuine and innocent. Also the growing up years are the most important phase of your life and to witness and share the experience with close friends kind of cemented the bond. What do you think?

The MRT

Taking the MRT is always interesting and a challenge. It’s such a rich source of material for making a short film. Everyday, especially during the peak hours, you will almost certainly encounter the following groups of people.

The first in line are the “Drifters”. Imagine standing behing the yellow line waiting for the train. Somewhere, somehow, when you least expected, someone will silently and slowly drift in front of you, making full use of the narrowest space between your feet and the line to mark their territory. Simply awsome man. The authorities should seriously consider recruiting them for special ops missions.

The second group are the “Rugby players”. I tell you, this group will put the kiwis and springboks to shame with their instinct and quick reaction. Expect a titanic clash everytime the train doors open. The people on the outside and those on the inside will clash and scramble like there’s no tommorrow man. Who say we don’t have world class sportsmen.

Then there’s the “Mobile Hi Fi”. This group consists mainly of teens and they have a habit of jerking up their volume on their discman to the max man. Consider the following scenerio:

Stranger: Hi (signalling to the teen)
Teen: wat fuck.
Stranger: Do you mind turning down the volume on your discman?
Teen: no lah.
Stranger: Why not?
Teen: you see that hot chick over there. i’m trying to impress her by letting her know wat i’m listening mah.
Stranger. I see. Why don’t you play some nice songs from west life or richard marx instead.
Teen: west your head lah.
Stranger: Why?
Teen: i’m trying to project an image you twag, a cool image as in LL Cool J. Listening to loser like west watever will spoilt everything man. Chicks digs guys listening to rap and heavy metal i tell you.
Stranger: I see. So what are you listening to now.
Teen: Who cares. Can you shut your fucking mouth and leave me alone. i’m getting a headache.

welcome abroad

system testing 1,2,3……