The Art of Cussing

Lately some ang moh friends of cheeky has been pestering him to teach and enlighten them on the correct usage of local obscenities. Dear ang moh friends, you found the right person. Cheeky don’t profess to be an expert but he does possesses the bare necessities like all Singaporeans to spew a mean expletives laden sentence with the slight twirl of his tongue as and when the occasion calls for it. So all you chao ang mohs, shut up, slouch back (like you always do) and try to take in what cheeky is about to teach you.

If you are observant enough, you will find out that the swear words use in the local context consist of the same few terms. Cheeky will just try to point out a few to you, the rest are more or less the same.

1) Hong Kan
Means “ Want to get fuck is it!?” Commonly use when one is frustrated or things seem to be not going your way.

Eg. (To the taxi driver) Hong Kan lah! I tell you to go by PIE not SLE lah!

2) Lan Chiao
Means “penis”. Usually use as an ‘appetiser’ prior to the ‘main course’.

Eg. My $500 still haven’t return, you dare to borrow more money from me! Lan Chiao understand!

3) Cheebye
The mother of all obscenities. The local equivalent of “cunt”. Widely used and highly favoured by Singaporean of all ages, genders, races and religions. Can be used as a noun or an adjective. Sibeh versatile.

Eg. (noun). Hey Cheebye, you want a piece of me?
Eg, (adjective). Hey you cheebye bastard, you want a piece of me?

Cheebye can also be used in tandem with words like “Chao”, “Kanninabu” and “Ni Nabeh” (just to list a few) to deliver a more devastating punch.

Eg. Kanninabu Chao Cheebye
Ni Nabeh Cheebye
Once you are acquainted and familiarise with these local expletives, don’t be a smug ass and go around spewing them. Cussing is an art form and different kinds of people deserve different kinds of expletives. So before you start spitting out your “cheebyes” and “nabehs”, it would be wise to take a look at your intended victim.

For instance, imagine you are waiting for the train during peak hour. The train arrive, the doors open and as you step in, some god damn fucker deliberately elbow you in the face just to grab that last elusive seat. By then, you must be simmering with rage and are about to spew out your favourite expletives. Don’t! Take a moment first to suss out who the fucker is before proceeding further with the appropriate swearing.

Example:

If the fucker resemble someone like her, a simple “Ni Nabeh” will do. Your intention is to cuss, I say again, to cuss, not trigger a heart attack.

A typical memo for the President on a typical day

Good Morning Your Excellency, hope you had a good night sleep. Don’t worry, you are still the president of this beloved country we called “home”, and I’m glad to inform you that there are no signs of any demonstrations or protests with respect to your legitimacy to the office. To start off your day, please take a moment to look through this memo and make the approriate decisions to some of the points listed. No hurry. Just take your time since you have plenty of it.

1) The Chan family is seeking your presidential pardon for their son who is on death row for drug trafficking. Please circle one of 2 appropriate choices.

a)

b)

2) Andrew Kuan’s supporters are burning your effigy outside the Istana again. Your prestige is at stake. What should be done? Please circle the most appropriate course of action.

a) Release the hounds
b) Enact the Internal Security Act and lock up these lot of buggers
c) Practice tolerance for the time being since the majority of the public thinks your presidency is a sham.

3) You are due for another full medical checkup at Raffles Hospital this afternoon. Doctor Albert reckons it’s time to stick the probe up your ass this time round. Yes, I know it’s degrading and uncomfortable, but please Sir, it’s for your own good.

4) How would you like to buy your 4D this weekend?

a) $20 Big $20 Small
b) $50 Big $50 Small
c) $100 Big $100 Small

5) Your DVDs for “Sex and the City” (The uncensored version) has arrived. The Custom and Immigration department has been advised to close one eye and keep mum. Don’t worry, the DVDs are kept well hidden from your wife. ;-)

6) The following websites has been making disparaging remarks about you and your presidency. Our team of hackers is on standby and can be called upon to act in less than 2 hours. They only need the word from you Sir.

http://www.sammyboy.com/
http://www.talkingcock.com/
http://www.singabloodypore.blogspot.com/

7) You are to host an informal dinner function for a few corrupted politicians from some fucked up third world African country. Please select your preferred choice of attire. (Models not included, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*)

a)

b)

c)

d)

Just kidding abou choice (d) sir. :-D

8) TT Durai has been persistently trying to seek an audience with you. He kept saying, “A Hindu should help another Hindu” or something along that line. So how?

a) Arrange a closed door meeting with him
b) Ignore him

9 )We found discrepancies in some of the Government’s transactions. What should we do?

a) Act blur
b) What b? Haha.

10) Dinky is sick again. :-( No Sir, he’s not one of your grandsons. He’s your pet dog.

11) Your Mandarin tutor has been very please with your progress. He suggested having you take the PSLE this year to gauge your proficiency against the rest.

12) The Straits Times has asked for an exclusive interview next month. We have requested Sumiko Tan to be the interviewer knowing your fetish for all things japs. Don’t need to thank me Sir. Just doing my job.

13) The NKF has asked your wife to be their patron for the next few years. Personally Sir, I think it’s a good idea. Her excellency will have activities to fill up her time and most importantly you will have her off your back for a few hours each day. It’s a win win situation. And Mrs Goh has given her blessing for this arrangement although she seemed to be clenching her teeth while saying it.

14) The prime minister is peeved. You have failed to report to him for 2 days straight. I foresee a lot of pacifying and balls fondling Sir.

End of memo