Singapore Idol special coverage

Yes, everyone. It’s just days before the final of Singapore Idols. To get in the hoove and groove of it, cheekybynature as a hip and trendy blog, get on the street and ask the following famous people who they think will be the first ever Singapore Idol.

Yo yo yo, it’s going to be Taufik, no doubt about it. You wanna to know why? Because brudder Taufik has borrowed my favourite pair of white panties, the one with the lace around it, and he’s going to wear it on the final. Woohooo, go Taufik go, go panties go.

I ain’t goin to give a hoot who wins it. What kind of a competition is this without any Americans in it!

Oh, I like the guy called Taufik. He looks kind of cute and marvelicious, you know, chubby face and lovely smile. And I like his butt, so perky and firm. Oh my god, wait. I think my nose is starting to bleed. Someone get me a bucket please. Please, it’s urgent.

It’s going to be Sylvester. I recognise a fine cock when I see one. And Sylvester is one hell of a cock.

I’m going for Sylvester cause he looks like a fine chap. No, wait….. I think Taufik is a better bet with his singing, no, wait…..ok, I say it going to be Sylvester since he got lots of fans but on the other hand Taufik has his own supporters too…..so lets see…… damn it…..

I have no idea unless they take off all their clothes. I judge a winner by his er…size.

Are you trying to insult and antagonize me, you jerk. You know jolly well there are no cable and electricity in my cave here in Tora Bora……..Hey friend, I say, is that a roll of toilet paper sticking out from your bag? Could you spare me one? I’m sick of using my hands.

Taufik is my man. He got neat hair and good skin. Sylvester, on the other hand looks like he hasn’t bath for days. I like my boy prim and proper and clean. Oh, sorry, I have to go, the warden shout for lights out.

Oh man, how can your idol fights with our idol, alamak. Use your brain lah. But if you die die want me to choose, I choose Sylvester because he’s a mirror image of your country. Cocky and full of shit. Malaysia Boleh.

BOO! Did I scare you. No? Shit. Sadako is feeling very miserable in my well here. You know why? This idols crap has overtaken me as the scariest creation ever. Damn you lackeys, damn you.

Hello, my name is Ah Long. I’m a bookie from Geylang hor. Just want to tell you the odds. It’s 1.3 for Taufik and 1.6 for Sylvester. Hurry up and place your bets hor.

A typical day in cheeky’s life

Haha, got inspired by Eddy entry (not Eddy Neo by the way). Here goes:

A typical day in cheeky’s life

7.30 AM

Woke up, had a quick shower and a splendid breakfast

8.30 AM

Left the house for work in cheeky’s newly bought porsche.

9.00 AM

Arrived at the office.

11.00 AM

He called and asked for a lunch appoinment with cheeky.

12.00 PM

Left for lunch. Reached the place.

Saw him already seated at a table.

He seeked cheeky’s advices on the economy. Cheeky suggested a few recommendations. He was impressed by cheeky business acumen and invited cheeky to join his party. He promised cheeky full minister status within a year. Cheeky politely declined. Cheeky looks fat in white

1.00 PM

Went for board of directors meeting at Temasek Holdings. Everyone tried to sa ka cheeky. Cheeky ignored them.

3.00 PM

Back in cheeky’s office.

4.00 PM

He called.

He urged cheeky to be the lead actor in his next movie. Cheeky turned him down due to tight schedule. He sounded very disappointed. Cheeky asked him about Tony Leung, he replied cheeky got more charisma than him. Cheeky smiled, thanked him for his compliment and hanged up.

5.00 PM

Knocked off. Saw this nutcase on the street.

He kept pestering cheeky to hear him sings. Cheeky became irritated and showed him cheeky’s “devine” finger.

Nutcase hurrriedly fucked off from cheeky’s sight.

6.00 PM

Have dinner here with mates.

Cheeky’s dinner.

7.30 PM

Proceeded to this place after dinner for some world class concert.

10.30 PM

Concert ended. Bumped into her.

She begged cheeky to give their relationship another chance. Cheeky said no. It’s a matter of principle. She sobbed dearly upon hearing it.

11.00 PM

Went to zouk for some late night partying. Cheeky changed his mind after seeing the crowd.

12.00 MN

Reached home.

12.30 AM

Checked emails.

1.30 AM

Went to sleep.

Cheeky’s letter to Agony Aunt

Dear Agony Aunt,

My friends has been dissuading me from writing to you because they think you are a bitch. I disagree. You are more than a bitch. The reason I write to you is not really to seek advices, but rather to seek an outlet to vent my frustrations. Life for me has not been smooth sailing these past few days. I’m saddled with problems on all three fronts, career, relationship and family. Sometimes I wish I could just fly away. Even the stray dogs near my place seem happier than me. I’m feeling bloody vex.

Yours sincerely
Cheeky

Dear Cheeky,

Me, more than a bitch? Why thank you so much. I will take that as a compliment. I truly understands the problems and rough patches you are going through right now. I mean with a stupid name like yours, who doesn’t?

Young man, the road of life was never an expressway and never will be. In fact, life is like the road near my house. Long and narrow, no U turn, full of potholes and lots of karang guni lorries honking their horns. It really depends on how you want to navigates through it. Any problems you encounter is akin to your car getting stuck in potholes, some big, some small. You could either try pushing your car out of it on your own, sit inside your car and wait hopefully for some free rides or just walk out of it and carry on the journey with your legs. See, problems in life are simple with only 3 solutions, don’t complicate it.

I usually end my letter with an insult or a sarcastic remark, but I’m going to cut you some slack and end it with a quote.

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance.”

Oh fuck it, I’m still going to end it with an insult. Straighten up and get on with your pathetic life, you spineless twag.

Yours sincerely
Agony Aunt

Let me fly without wings and away from here

Have anyone ever wish that they could just go to the airport, walk to any airline counter, randomly buy a one-way ticket to nowhere and just take off like that. Starting life anew somewhere else and leaving all your troubles behind. In the plane, high up in the sky, with your problems getting further and further away. Yes, cheeky is having this feeling now. If there’s an opportunity to work and live oversea, cheeky would grab it with both his hands and legs and clench it with his teeth. Feeling very vex. Arrgh…. Should cheeky write a letter to Agony Aunt?

Dear Agony Aunt

Dear Agony Aunt,

I’m a 13 years old boy currently studying in a top-notch boys school. A few days ago, we had our first sex education lesson. Mrs Lim, who’s also our biology teacher began the lesson by showing us two charts showing the male and female body and vividly described the function of the various organs she singled out. Most of us cringed at each description. She then played a documentary from Discovery channel on the TV. The documentary showed 2 rhinos doing all those horrible things to each other. After the show ended, Mrs Lim turned to us and said, “And that’s how your parents created you.” A few of my classmate broke down after hearing it and Billy, the class bully even soiled his pants. When I reached home, I told my mom what I learned in school that day. She looked disturbed, went to the altar, burned a few joss sticks and begged for forgiveness from “Guanyin” for being such a bad mother. My grandma then took a can with small pieces of crumbled papers in it from the kitchen and asked me to pick 4 numbers. Dear Agony Aunt, I feel traumatize and I can’t eat and sleep. I also think I had lost all respect for my parents. What should I do?

Yours sincerely
Lionel

Dear Lionel,

Oh you poor poor boy. Do you need a hug, you twag. I have seen my fair share of boys like you whining and complaining about how gross sex is, but mark my words, a few more years from now, all you whiners will be hankering for sex 24/7, yes 24/7, no thanks to the magical thing call male hormones. And when that happens, you’ll be wondering why you ever wrote such a hypocritical letter to me in the first place. In the mean time, I suggest you go see a counselor, but not Mrs Lim please, she’s tactless and clueless. At any point of time, if you feel your hankering has reached a problematic proportion, I suggest you go back and think about those 2 rhinos again. If it’s any comfort to you, Agony Aunt caught her parents making out on the kitchen table yesterday. Yes, kitchen table, the place where you put your food on and sat around for your makan. Now who has got the raw deal, you brat.

Yours Sincerely
Agony Aunt

True and scary ghost story

Cheeky wants to share the following ghost story he heard a few years ago to everyone. It was originally told by Daniel Ong when he was hosting the late night slot at Perfect 10. Back then, he was quite a decent DJ until Sheik Haikal intoxicated his mind with stuff about white panties. His show was a daily staple for cheeky when he was mugging for his exam. Some of you might have heard the story before, if that’s the case, please piss off.

Before cheeky proceeds, he has to warn you that the story is true and pretty scary, so maybe you would like to surround yourself with loved ones or cuddle up to a teddy bear. And if you have weak bladder, please refrain from reading further cause it’s damn scary.

The story took place during the 7th month of the Chinese lunar calendar and revolved around a young lad named Sam. Sam at that time was working as a general worker, in a small company located at Tuas. During one particular working day, the whole of Sam’s company was requested to work OT in order to meet a deadline due tomorrow. By the time everything was done, it was already past 1 am and Sam was the last person left in the office. He was left wondering whether there were still any bus services at this hour. He decided to try his luck and quickly tidied up the office, locked up and rushed towards the bus stop. The bus stop was situated by a small narrow road with dense forestation surrounding the area. Sam waited for about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to the main road to catch a cab when a double deck bus appeared from nowhere. He hesitantly waved it down, boarded the bus and the only person he saw on the same bus was a frail ghastly looking old woman. The old woman was dressed in white samfoo and black pant, attire favoured by maids in those early days or “Ma Jie” as they were commonly known then. Sam felt uneasy upon seeing her and was about to go up to the upper deck when a voice ranged out in Cantonese, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” It was the old woman. Her comment sent a chill through Sam’s bones and he figured that the upper deck might be “dirty”. He decided to heed the old woman’s advice and grab a seat at the lower deck even though he felt uncomfortable by her presence. It was an agonizing 20 minutes journey before Sam reached his bus stop. He quickly alighted and turned to steal a quick glance at the old woman, who stared right back at him by the window. Without further ado, Sam hastened his pace and was fortunate to reach home safely.

The next day, Sam was requested to work OT and ended up being the last person left in the office again. It was already past midnight and Sam was contemplating whether to take a cab home but decided against it in the end as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again and after about 20 minutes, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again when the old woman called out to him, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Even though, he heard it before, he still felt a certain fear inside him since it’s the 7th month. To be on the safe side, he reluctantly took a seat at the lower deck again and reached home with no incidents.

The third day, Sam was asked to do OT again. By now he was feeling dreaded and worried as he didn’t want to repeat the same process again. But he obliged nevertheless since it’s his livelihood. He was, you guessed it, the last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked. The double deck bus arrived, he boarded it and saw the same old woman again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Sam was fed up with the old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck and slowly made his way to the back of the bus and sat down. Sam’s heart began pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30 minutes, with nothing happening, Sam went downstairs to confront the old woman and asked her why she kept saying it’s dangerous upstairs. The old woman turned, stared at him and replied, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver.”

Wahahaha, very funny hor.

A day at the stadium

Cheeky’s going back for reservist in the next few months so he reckoned it’s a good time to start building up his stamina. So off he went to the stadium for some jogging and cheeky must add, it didn’t do any good for his ego and self esteem. For a start, ah peks kept overtaking cheeky, some made a few chuckles as they ran past cheeky. Nahbeh. Anyway after 6 rounds, cheeky proceeded to the chin up bar. There were some topless guys standing around the chin up bars, flexing and posturing and doing all those things that guys with big triceps normally do. They have very impressive 6 packs, but then so does cheeky, but cheeky’s 6 packs are very ‘shy’ and only appear before meal times and under certain shades of lights.

The first topless guy easily did 20, cheeky thinks, cheeky wasn’t really paying any attention because the guy’s armpits was a real turn off. His armpits was a miniaturized Amazon rainforest. The guy stepped down from the bar, heaving and panting and did a few more flexing and posturing. The second guy did 22, stepped down and proceeded to do some sit-ups and started pumping away like a jackhammer and he was doing the twisting version, you know, left elbow touch right knee, right elbow touch left knee, very impressive. The third topless guy went one up better. He did commando style chin up. His face was all red after that but he still managed an awkward smile, and you guessed it, did a few more flexing and posturing as well. And then, it’s cheeky’s turn. Cheeky did 5, calmly stepped down from the bar, did a few flexing and posturing of his own, sighed and said, “bar slippery” and promptly went off for another round of jogging.

Women+shopping=No logics

Cheeky and co. went shopping around during the weekend. From past experiences, cheeky knows that logics (if she’s your wife, then credit card) must be left behind when shopping with women.
You see, Cheeky’s friend has been lugging most of her ‘harvest’ with her right hand after a day of shopping. Cheeky’s friend later then nagged about how ‘suan’ her right hand was and the imbalance that was affecting her walking. Being a gentleman, cheeky offered to help carried her handbag and adviced her to switch some of her shopping bags to her left hand. Logically speaking, this is the appropriate thing to do. But we are talking about women. So how did Cheeky’s friend solved her problem? She promptly entered a shop, made a few more purchase and came out with equal number of bags in both hands. Sigh….

Newton and other muse

Cheeky’s flatmate’s body is sprawl all over the sofa, snoozing away. Newton’s law of motion doesn’t seem to apply to him. Mr Newton said that ‘ An object at rest will remain at rest unless there’s a force acting on it’. In this case, a pig at rest will always remains at rest no matter how much force is used. Nahbeh Newton, your theories are wrong leh. Wait a minute, Newton also said ‘For every action, there should be an equal and opposite reaction’. Maybe cheeky should give a kick to the pig’s groin, Muay Thai style. Hahaha.

Muse of the day: Any self proclaimed cool dudes and babes when asked what is their fav sport, will always replied wakeboarding. It seems that wakeboarding is the must-do sport for all these fake and pretentious people.

Cheeky: May I know what’s your fav sports.
Dude: Wakeboarding lah
Cheeky: Why wakeboarding and not some other sports like table tennis or bowling?
Dude: KNN, me spend 5 hours in the gym everyday toning my biceps and muscles and you want me to cover it up playing ping pong!? KNN.
Cheeky: I must admit you have got an impressive six packs
Dude: Of course lah. I even named them. This is Escardo, Alfonso, Ricardo, Milecino, Gabanni and Zubarti. Pretty neat hor.
Cheeky: How about your girlfriend? What’s your fav sport lovely?
Babe: Wakeboarding lah
Cheeky: Why?
Babe: Why!? You want me to play ping pong in bikini hah. Siao leh you.
Cheeky: You could cover it up.
Babe: Nahbeh lah, like that how to see my cleavage. Got D-cup must flaunt mah.

Interview with Bush (Part 2)

Reporter: Good morning President Bush, I’m a reporter from Singapore. First of all, let me congratulates you on being re-elected.
Bush: Why thanks alot bro. From Singapore huh, send my regards to your Prime Minister Badawi.
Reporter: Er… Badawi is actually the prime minister of Malaysia
pause
Bush: Haha, of cos i know that, just testing you. Haha
Reporter: Now that you have been re-elected, what are your immediate plans for Iraq?
Bush: Tell you one thing bro, Iraq is like a piece of monstrous pile in my arse. Settling it will be very bloody and messy. But I’m a man of conviction and I hate doing things half way—just ask my wife Laura—rest assured that America will stick it through. We have had a puppet I mean a legitimate government installed there and we’re going to increase our troops.
Reporter: The insurgency is a big headache isn’t it
Bush: Yes, but we’re trying the soft approach too. We’ve been dropping large number of playboy centrefolds/posters in Fallujah in a bid to convert the insurgents to the mainstream
Reporter: Are you going to take a more consultative approach with the UN in your second term?
Bush: The UN is like my uncle Charles after he lost his balls during the world war. Lots of foreplay but no concrete action when it matter most. Nevertheless, I’ll clear my earwax more often and hear them more.
Reporter: With regards to foreign policies, how are you going to mend the rocky relationship with your allies that deteriorate with your invasion of Iraq?
Bush: Haha. The only ass I’m gonna to kiss around belongs to my wife. I leave such mundane tasks to my deputy Dick. He may be old, but he can plant an awesome smack on anyone ass regardless of textures, colours and smell. Hey Dick, come over here and show some love to this reporter won’t you.
Cheney: Yo, whats up?
Bush: Mr reporter, may I introduce you to Dick Cheney. The new spokesman for Revlon lip gloss and Oral B mouth cleansing solutions for the next 4 years.
Reporter: Nice meeting you, Mr Vice President.
Bush: Go on Dick, show him what your lips are made of.
Cheney: I like to Georgie, but I developed a severe case of ulcer after meeting Kofi Annan yesterday. It was a pretty rough and foul encounter, I kid you not. But it was worth it, he gave his approval to our latest proposal and plans on Iraq.
Bush: Man, you better take a good rest then. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize your recovery. We will need lots of your services in the coming months.
Cheney: If you will excuse me gentlemen, I’ll take my leave.
Bush: Such a nice guy, that Dick.
Reporter: I’m sure he is Mr President. One last question. If there’s one thing you could wish for, what would it be.
Bush: I know this will sound unbelievable, since it’s coming from me. But I wish for world peace and that everyone will forget and forgive past grudges and misdeeds
Reporter: That’s a very nice thought Mr President.
Bush: Thanks, it erase my phobia of being assassinated after I left the office.
Reporter: Thank you for your time President Bush.