Brand New Morning Show On Channelnewsasia

Brand New Morning Show

Richard Lui: Welcome everyone to a brand new morning show on Channelnewsasia.
Suzanne Jung: That’s right Richard. After months of contemplating and then revamping, we are proud to launch this new morning program aptly named “Wake Up your Fucking Ideas Singapore”. A name that’s sure to ring some resonance among our viewers.
Richard: In this revamped morning show, we’ll be discussing all the hot and controversial issues gripping the nation. We’ll also be inviting viewers to call in and share their views.
Suzanne: Talking about hot and controversial issue, the announcement by the government to consider setting up a casino is already polarizing the country into 2 distinct camps, each with their own arguments and views to be heard.
Richard: Yes, it is indeed refreshing to see a fierce debate happening right here in sterile Singapore. So what’s your own opinion on this issue Suzanne?
Suzanne: Who cares. I’m a Korean.
Both laugh heartily.

Richard: Our phone lines are now open to our viewers. If you have something to add to this casino issue, the number to call is 1900-66911-123……. And we have a caller on the line now. Hello?
Caller #1: Knock Knock.
Richard: Eh…. Who’s there?
Caller #1: Who
Richard: Who who?
Caller #1: Knock Knock.
Richard: Who’s there!?
Caller #1: Who.
Richard: Who who!?
Caller #1: Knock knock
Richard: Who’s the bloody fuck is there!?
Caller #1: Who.
Richard: WHO WHO!?
Caller #1: Can you please stop talking like an owl. Muahahahaha.
Caller hangs up.

Suzanne: That’s so retard.
Richard: Yah man. What’s that all about? Fucking bastard. Please do not make nuisance calls. We can and we will trace your calls ok and then we’ll wallop your face so seriously, your Mama will have trouble differentiating your face from your ass. We seem to have another caller on the line. Hello? Who’s there speaking?
Caller #2: Hello. Power 98 is it? I like to request a song for my beloved boyfriend Justin. I want to take this opportunity to tell Justin that I will always treasured the time we spend together and that I love him very much.
Suzanne spits on the floor.

Suzanne: May I know your name dear?
Caller #2: Cassandra.
Suzanne: Well Cassandra, you know what? Screw you. Screw you and your boyfriend. I’ll have you know that this is not a radio station but a multiple awards winning news network with millions of viewers tuning in to us at this moment throughout Asia. So please save your mushy gushy comment in the hotel room in Geylang. I’m sure it will come in more useful there.
Richard hi-five Suzanne.

Richard: Well said Suzanne. The thing that irks me most is to have someone calling into an inferior radio station requesting for a song. *Richard spits on the floor*. And the shameless guts to even call one which doesn’t belong to Mediacorp’s stable of radio stations.
Suzanne: Such sheer audacity. That bitch. Hope they contracted STD or something. Lets pick up another call. Hello? You there? You are on air now. Speaks up you wuss.
Caller #3: Oh hi, just to share my 2 cents worth about the casino issue.
Richard: Go ahead.
Caller #3: I think it’s regrettable that the government is considering allowing for the setting up of a casino. Don’t they know the severe social impact and the repercussions it would create, not to mention the eroding of our values. I think the government is stupid and should take this time to reflect on their action.
Richard: What’s your name sir?
Caller #3: Eric Lim.
Richard: Well, Mr Eric Lim, as a subsidiary of the Government, this network doesn’t take too kindly to criticisms of the government. Your call has been traced and your particular forwarded to the Home Affair Ministry. You will hear from the authority pretty soon. Have a nice day.
Line cut.

Suzanne: You know Richard, seems like we are not getting the kinds of calls we wanted. Lets just proceed to Paul for the market report. Morning Paul, so how’s the market doing today.
Paul Dekkers: Not good Suzanne. Not good at all. We are seeing a sharp increase in price on several fronts in the market. The bird flu that’s affecting Thailand and Vietnam right now, has a diverse impact on the market. For example, at Tekka wet market, the price of a whole chicken is standing at $5.00 per 1.1kg. A mark increase from just 2 weeks ago. Eggs are selling at 3 to 5 times their usual prices. Seng Choon eggs for example are retailing at $3.30 for a tray of ten.
Richard: I say, fuck Mr Seng Choon. What about fish. Has the tsunami affected the harvesting of fishes?
Paul: Good question Richard. Well the tsunami has not really affected the prices of fishes. Prices have remained surprisingly stable. Just to list a few, white pomfret is selling at $14.20, sea bass at $10.60 per kg and salmon gutted head at $40.50 per 4kg.
Suzanne: Sounds fishy to me. *Smile smugly at her supposedly clever use of pun* How about vegetables Paul. I’m a vegetarian.
Paul: Well Suzanne, if I’m you, I’ll be please to learn that baby kai lan is still selling at $1.30 per 200g, celery at $3.45/1.2kg, chye sim at $3.10/kg, kang kong at $2.70/kg, pek chye at $1.60/500g and phuay leng at $2.20/500g. Really not much changes from yesterday or the week before.
Suzanne: Ok thanks Paul. And that’s Paul Dekkers with the market report. I think we are coming close to the end of today’s edition of “ Wake Up Your Fucking Ideas Singapore”.
Richard: Oh my, how times fly. Anything to add Suzanne?
Suzanne: Nothing much. Just something that has been bugging me since I co-host this show with you.
Richard: And what will that be?
Suzanne: Why do you keep sitting with your legs so wide apart? They are almost 180 degrees spaced out.
Richard: What can I say. I’m very well endowed right down there.
Suzanne: Aiyoh, so naughty.
Both laughed like a pair of hyenas.

-FADE OUT-