Breaking News!!!! Jack Neo’s Sex Menu
Dear readers, the following news we are going to break are sibeh breaking indeed. According to a credible source, certain contracts drafted by J Team Productions for it’s female artistes come with certain clauses typed in font size 3. Yes, how sneaky indeed! These are usually located at a separate page affixed to the main contract and given only to female artistes who are not fat and doesn’t look like Patricia Mok. Below is a short sample graciously provided by our source for our viewing pleasure. We salute you sista!
Role Tokens needed
Calefare 1 soft lotion hand job
Calefare with dialogues 1 BJ
3rd Supporting Actress 1 BJ + 1 tit-wank
2nd Supporting Actress 1 BJ + 1 tit-wank + 1 Fuck
1st Supporting Actress 1 BJ + 1 tit-wank + 1 Fuck + 1 Golden Shower
Lead Actress All of the above + multiple entries
Special Report on the Singapore Biennale 2008
Singapore up-and-coming and most controversial conceptual artist, H*men Chiong will be performing his most audacious and provocative work to date in conjunction with the ongoing Singapore Biennale. 30 years old H*men, who has a Master in Contemporary Arts from Preston Arts University will defecate in full public view for his performance in the Art Museum. The title of his performance, “I shit therefore I am” is a message directed towards the authorities, media, society, heck basically everyone that piss him off, he said from the couch of his parents home in District 10.
The act, depending on the bowel movement on the actual day, will probably last less than 5 minutes and will take place within a 45×45 inches perimeter cordoned off by white tapes in the main foyer of the museum.
Asked for his reasons for doing this act, H*men get agitated and started jabbing his finger in the air saying, “This is a protest to all that are not right in the world today. And we have too many wimps in the local art scene not willing to push the boundary by using art to voice out their disgusts and displeasures. All we see are sculptures, paintings and installations that seems to conform to culture and societal norms. Safe, boring and bordering on retarded.”
As the recipient of the prestigious “Young Artist Award for Artistic Excellence” given out by New York’s Reiman S. Wiekenson Arts Foundation this year, H*men also viewed this accolade as acknowledging his innate talents and bestowing upon him the responsibility and burden to take the local art scene forward somewhat like a shepherd herding a flock of lost sheep, thus this performance.
“If not me who, if not now when?”, he added with a deadpan expression.
And with such a controversial performance, comparison are inevitably being made with artists like Vincent Leow who peed and drank his own urine, Josef Ng who snipped off his own pubic hair and Shannon Tham who vomited into a bucket. But H*men was quick to retort with hints of elitism that it’s an unfair comparison.
“Please don’t compare me to them. The values and qualities of our performances are miles apart, miles miles apart.”, he gesticulated with his arms spread out to emphasize the gulf.
When questions centering over the vileness and purposelessness of the act were put to the Art Museum, Matthew Ngui, part of the curatorial team for Singapore Biennale 2008 , was quick to defend the rationale for selecting and approving it.
“We felt that H*men’s performance art warrant artistic merits regardless of what everyone think. Sure, anyone can defecate, but to do it while conveying a statement of intent, to demonstrate one’s disillusionment with society, with the system and the world at large, that takes a certain amount of talent. I would urge the public to look beyond the surface of the act and think of the underlying message that the artist is trying to send out.”
Dissing concerns about the foul smell and sight emanating from the act, he added,”The whole intention of the act is not just to engage and provoke the audience on an intellectual level but also to ‘assault’ and overwhelm all the five human senses so as to achieve the desire impact that the artist wanted. If anyone come expecting an inanely wholesome performance, it’s better that they stay home and stick to Mediacorp programs.”
And finally when asked what valuable “insights’ and “enlightenments” he hopes the audience will derived from his performance, H*men just smiled and said,” Actually I don’t give a damn.” And to drive home the point, he lifted a leg and expelled an audible stinker that permeated the whole room within an instant .
Other notable attractions at the Singapore Biennale 2008
“Emptiness of the Human Soul” by Alphonse Boucher
This modernist masterpiece by the late Frenchman has taken the concept of minimalist painting to a whole new level. The art piece was sold for an astonishing US$25 millions during an auction 5 years ago. Till today, critics and art academics are still debating over the influences and impacts this painting has on the art world.
“3000 Bristles and a Suit” by Jason Anthony Ngiam
This performance art created a sensation when it debuted at New Museum of Contemporary Art in New York last week. The sight of a man in a suit brushing his teeth in a nonchalant manner has art critics lapping it up and calling the performance “fun and rebelliously chic”. Wall Street Journal has even included Ngiam as the 10 New Faces to Look Out For in its latest arts column.
“Table” by Sophie Johansson
A replica of Sophie’s own table in her home. This installation art is a continuation of a series of works to illustrate the despondent nature of todays modern urbanites. Others in Sophie’s award winning series include bed, wardrobe, kitchen sink and many many more.
Money-Face with Richie Ong
What a week. I haven’t felt such adrenaline since indulging in a foursome two months ago. If you haven’t known by now, the past week has been one hell of a ride in the financial market. The collapse of Lehman Brothers, the near collapse of Merrill Lynch and AIG (for now) has triggered a major sell out and bloodletting in Wall Street. The impact is severe with worldwide implications. Just take a look at our own backyard.
Above were not Apples fans queuing for the over-hyped iphones. No. These sorry ass were actually worried policyholders who were anxious to terminate their policies at all cost and losses. A predictable move from amateur investors. The ST Index meanwhile, has been competing with our regional rivals to outfall each other, last closing at 2559. Things are looking so bleak that I have to step out of my loft to make a statement to calm the market. Now you must be wondering who the fuck am I if not the Prime Minister to make such a bold statement. I don’t profess to be a man of many talents, but when it comes feeling the pulses and sentiments of the market and maybe chicks, I’m the one the authorities go to. In fact, I have been receiving non-stop calls from ministers, the media and clients since the event unfolded, especially those fucking ministers. Of all time and places, they have to choose to contact me just when me and me girl was busy manoeuvring our bodies to the beat of Tom Jones’s Sex Bomb. To be more specific, Baldy quick-dialed me just when I was about to give me girl a “present” from the rear. The bald one was anxious to know when is the right time to release much needed cash into the market to stabilize it. Whoa whoa, hold it botak, I was saying to myself in between thrusting. We haven’t even get started on the cowgirl and missionary, there’s no urgency for any premature action yet. So I told him,” Tharm, ai zai. The fundamentals of our economy are strong and we should hold out for as long as we possibly could before unleashing it for maximum impact. Any premature release of funds would only render us a laughing stock in the eyes of our neighbours. All in all, we should be able to eh ride out the current crisis.”
The next to call when me and me girl were in the middle of our cowgirl routine was Woody. As chairman of our main financial regulator, Woody was exceptionally slow to grasp the severity of the situation until it’s too late. Heck, the man was still talking about Fannie and Freddie when everyone’s focus and attention was on AIG. I have half a mind to grab him by the collar, slap him a few times and tell him to prioritize his issues correctly. Instead, considering my license is to be renewed in the next few days, I reassured him by saying,” Goh, ai zai. The fundamentals of our economy are strong. We’re on top of the situation. Yes, the market maybe shifting back and forth, left and right, up and down, but overall, we’re still maintaining a firm and flexible grip on the situation”
The last to call when we were in the last stretch of our copulation was Hairdo Lim. He wanted to hear my recommended “stimulants” to expand the economy and estimated projected growth for next year. By then, me and me girl were reaching a climatic crescendo and the last thing we need was for some joker cutting in and talking about projections and stimulation, so in between agitated heavy panting I said “CHEEBYE! FUCK OFF LAH!” and promptly hanged up on him. On hindsight, what I should have told him in the first place was yes, our economy is undergoing rapid SHRINKAGE at the moment and there are absolutely no potential for any BIG substaintial growth but overall, the fundamentals of our economy remains strong.
-Disclaimer-
The above writer is a declared bankrupt with a tendency to self hallucinates and in the midst of repaying his debts. Rather than viewing this as a smirch in his career, the writer associate this liability as street cred to be worn on the sleeves. The writer counts among his confidantes, Nick Leeson, Jerome Kerviel and the newly-minted jackass Richard Fuld even though none of them has ever heard of him.
Another Open Letter from James Tomez
I nearly choked on my meatballs when I collected the newspaper from my doorstep this morning. There on the front page with his usual deadpan expression is our Wong. I remembered asking myself before I proceeded to read the article in full details, what on earth did the fucker do this time round. Well apparently, our Home Team has scored yet another “own goal” by allowing a man with a wrong passport to clear several layers of security at the airport before boarding the plane bound for Ho Chi Minh City. I was like, what the fuck! Again? As if letting our no. 1 terrorist absconded and 2 inmates briefly escaped from custody were not enough, the Home Team deemed it fit to add another to make up a threesome. What the fuck is going on Wong? Are you guys currently the David Villa of screw ups. Are the various agencies having some sort of competition to see who can screw it up bigger, better and more hilarious than the others? Wong, saying you are appalled and flabbergasted are not enough. I myself was appalled and flabbergasted when my GP diagnosed me with erectile dysfunction. But did the fact absolve me from my responsibility towards procreation as dictated by my religion? No Wong no. In my case, I took full responsibility. I divorced my wife. Who am I to deny her the chance to experience the joy of pregnancy albeit by another man. Likewise, who are you to deny another capable person from taking over from you after a hat-trick of screwed ups by your ministry under your stewardship. Sometimes it takes a man to admit he fucked it up big time. Sometimes, a midget. But regardless of shapes and sizes, Wong, it’s time for you to step up to the plate, and took full responsibility for all the ineptitude as displayed by your men. While you are at it, it doesn’t hurt to offer a formal apology and knowing you as a jerk who’s totally oblivious and clueless about showing any remorse, here’s a video to help you out. Pay special attention to DOGE-FUSE.
An Open Letter From James Tomez
As I lounged in my Pierro Lissoni designed sofa with my copy of the Straits Times yesterday, I was immediately taken aback to read about the escape of our country no. 1 terrorist Mas Selamat or “Maha” Selamat as he’s known to all his followers by now from our detention centre. To say I was disturbed is an understatement. To say I was disgusted is not an exaggeration. My entire belief in our country’s security system has been literally shaken to the core. My confidence on our Government’s readiness to tackle international terrorism has plunged by a few hundred notches and is still plunging. But what was more appalling was to see the manner the Home Affair Minister reacted to questions raised by the MPs in Parliament. Our Wong made a half-hearted apology before providing half-baked answers to queries from the MPs in his usual nonchalant demeanour. Fuck, he even made time to put on a smile here and there in a pathetic attempt to soften the tension and lighten up the mood in the house. To that I can only say “FUCK YOU!” This is no laughing matter Wong. Your vague standard ministerial response to any uncomfortable questions posed is no longer applicable in this instance. We are talking about a dangerous terrorist with an Al Qaeda mindset and a PAP ego. A terrorist with the ultimate aim to cause massive destruction and casualties in our tiny island city state. In fact, the thought of having such person loitering among us send a shiver right down to my balls. The anxiety that I experienced after learning of this news was so severe that I lost all appetite to finish my plate of Swedish meatballs and THEY WERE DAMN DELICIOUS MIND YOU! Your half-fucked apology is not enough Wong. You must explain. Explain why a terrorist walking with a limp could somehow managed to escape a heavily guarded compound not in the night but in broad daylight. Explain why a terrorist walking with a limp can avoid detection for so long even though the authority has expended so much manpower and resources in this manhunt. Wong, saying sorry is just not enough this time round. Sorry also must explain.
Disclaimer: The writer is writng in his own capacity as a concerned citizen and the views and opinions expressed here are clearly his and his alone. Cheeky Times bear absolutely no responsibility to whatever is written here. In fact, to protect our own asses, we’ll even go as far to say that the editors for this blog are complete illiterate.
Cheeky is on Facebook
Ok due to Eddyboi’s raving review of Facebook, cheeky decided to sign up for an account just to see what actually is the big deal about it. A quick browse of the networks reveal that Facebook is indeed a class apart from Friendster. For one thing, there are less of those childish, preening 16, 17 years old punks infesting the social networking website. What you get is a different demographic group altogether, a more mature sophisticated network of preening working adults ( Heck, even cheeky’s boss is on Facebook).
Over at Friendster, you have impressionable teenagers sending smileys (yawn….) to their friends or posting lengthy praising testimonials of their friends (Tish gurl here ish miie sista.. real blood sista.. she horx berii cuttiex derr lorrx.. hehex.. ii love euu manz.. ) just so they hope these friends could reciprocate the same gesture on their profiles. How lame is that? No no no. We uber-cool people @Facebook (see how Cheeky make use of the abbreviation in this context, how cool is that) do things a little differently with a bit more class because we know life is more than just a popularity test. Over @Facebook we don’t do smileys. We poke people and if you feel you are up to it, you can even mass poke a whole group of people till your hearts content, and the amazing thing is, Facebook actually limit the number of pokes you can use just so to make sure your poke is a high quality one. So right now cheeky is busy contemplating, selecting and compiling a list of people to poke over the weekend and if you are game enough, why don’t you sign up too and give cheeky a few pokes here and there.
Cheeky’s Poking Checklist
Individuals to be poked:
1) Maria Ozawa and Sora Aoi (Cheeky is gonna to poke you like you never been poked before)
2) Jeanette Aw
3) Jessica Alba
4) Rui En
5) Lin Ziling
6) Jeon Ji Hyun
Groups to be mass poked:
1) All the female newscasters @Channelnewsasia
2) All the female journalists @Straits Times (only the chio ones, so the likes of Ong Sor Fern, Cheong Suk Wai can go poke themselves)
3) All the gorgeous people who had ever graced the cover of FHM
Groups to be mass poked with a large object:
1) PAP (you guys are so gonna to be poked for all the price hikes in recent months)
2) Singnet (here’s a court order so shut the hell up and lay still . . . and stop crying!)
Singnet, You Fucking Chao Cheebye
Cheeky is disappointed – very disappointed that his ISP didn’t even bother to put up a fight in the ongoing Odex saga (not that cheeky is an anime fan). They basically just rolled over, pulled down their pants and gave Odex an open invitation to sodomise them. Fuck, not even dispatching a lawyer to attend the hearing. This is it man. Cheeky is changing his ISP once his contract expired. Luckily cheeky only download Hentai.
Cheeky is suffering from nose bleed
This show damn power. Made cheeky’s nose bleed from morning until night, but the process itself is shiok. Starring one of his idols also, Sora Aoi.
Cheeky’s First Short Film
Oh man, I’m seriously neglecting this blog of mine but there’s a reason for it. I’ve been busy with my short film lately. This little project of mine has taken 6 months to make, from writing the script to on location shooting and finally post-production. The script itself has to be written 5 times before I’m satisfied with it. This is what I call dedication to my craft sia. To add to the glam factor, the film was shot entirely on location in Hong Kong. Uh huh, you heard that right, Hong Kong ok. Either you give it your all or you don’t do it at all. That’s always a mantra that I adhere to.
Anyway, I had a private screening for some of my peer in the industry over the weekend and I must say the response has been pretty encouraging and positive. Eric Khoo called it “mind boggling” while rubbing the bulge of his. Roystan Tan said he can hardly wait for the full feature and Tan Pin Pin with reddened eyes and runny nose clenched my hands and kept saying “Thank you, thank you so much.” As for Jack Neo, well, when I told him it’s an arthouse film before the screening, quickly excused himself and never came back. Ong Soh Fern from the Straits Times talked the most cock and I quote her, “A film that convey the despair and loneliness of a man in his quest to find his true self and identity will surely resonate with most audience today including myself as the film seek to explore the underlying reason as to why the protagonist did what he did in the film. Cheem and powderful stuff sia!” And lastly, Yuni Hadi brushed past me, winked and slipped a note into my pocket and muttered,” Call me.” before she left the premises. Wah lau, seriously man, it’s only a short film, don’t need to be so dramatic lah guys.
I know by now most of you should be really curious and totally worked up by all the hypes and excitements generated by my short film so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen . . . “Life In Motion”
If you don’t understand the film, it’s ok. Art-house is like that wan.
Twister Wussy
By Roving Reporter
May 25, 2007
Cheeky Times
After an absence of a year, Twister Wussy made yet another limp entrance to the Singapore shoreline yesterday afternoon. Like in yesteryear, apart from generating gawks and stares from onlookers, Twister Wussy was perfectly happy just twirling and swirling on its own little acres of water and minding his own business. Unlike his brother Andrew and second cousin Katrina, creating havoc and causing mass panicky across the land was clearly not on his agenda. Heck, forget even about swirling cows and rampages across town, Twister Wussy has his plate full just rotating himself.
His passive demeanor was so startling among his family of tornados and hurricanes that one Mr Soh was overheard complaining to his friends that “this tornado got no balls sia”. American tourist Mike Wallance labelled Twister Wussy as the most pathetic hurricane he has ever witnessed in his life, “what a wimp!”, he added for good measure. And after what seemed like a brief 5 minutes or so since its appearance, Twister Wussy spiralled and dissipated into oblivion with no harm or damages done to the city state, an act that surely justified his name.
Tourists Melanie and her son’s reactions to Twister Wussy appearance
Update: The Meteorological Services, in a statement, said Twister Wussy is actually a waterspout. Chey.
Cheeky Times 