Money-Face with Richie Ong

September 21, 2008 at 4:40 pm 1 comment

What a week. I haven’t felt such adrenaline since indulging in a foursome two months ago. If you haven’t known by now, the past week has been one hell of a ride in the financial market. The collapse of Lehman Brothers, the near collapse of Merrill Lynch and AIG (for now) has triggered a major sell out and bloodletting in Wall Street. The impact is severe with worldwide implications. Just take a look at our own backyard.

Above were not Apples fans queuing for the over-hyped iphones. No. These sorry ass were actually worried policyholders who were anxious to terminate their policies at all cost and losses. A predictable move from amateur investors. The ST Index meanwhile, has been competing with our regional rivals to outfall each other, last closing at 2559. Things are looking so bleak that I have to step out of my loft to make a statement to calm the market. Now you must be wondering who the fuck am I if not the Prime Minister to make such a bold statement. I don’t profess to be a man of many talents, but when it comes feeling the pulses and sentiments of the market and maybe chicks, I’m the one the authorities go to. In fact, I have been receiving non-stop calls from ministers, the media and clients since the event unfolded, especially those fucking ministers. Of all time and places, they have to choose to contact me just when me and me girl was busy manoeuvring our bodies to the beat of Tom Jones’s Sex Bomb. To be more specific, Baldy quick-dialed me just when I was about to give me girl a “present” from the rear. The bald one was anxious to know when is the right time to release much needed cash into the market to stabilize it. Whoa whoa, hold it botak, I was saying to myself in between thrusting. We haven’t even get started on the cowgirl and missionary, there’s no urgency for any premature action yet. So I told him,” Tharm, ai zai. The fundamentals of our economy are strong and we should hold out for as long as we possibly could before unleashing it for maximum impact. Any premature release of funds would only render us a laughing stock in the eyes of our neighbours. All in all, we should be able to eh ride out the current crisis.”

The next to call when me and me girl were in the middle of our cowgirl routine was Woody. As chairman of our main financial regulator, Woody was exceptionally slow to grasp the severity of the situation until it’s too late. Heck, the man was still talking about Fannie and Freddie when everyone’s focus and attention was on AIG. I have half a mind to grab him by the collar, slap him a few times and tell him to prioritize his issues correctly. Instead, considering my license is to be renewed in the next few days, I reassured him by saying,” Goh, ai zai. The fundamentals of our economy are strong. We’re on top of the situation. Yes, the market maybe shifting back and forth, left and right, up and down, but overall, we’re still maintaining a firm and flexible grip on the situation”

The last to call when we were in the last stretch of our copulation was Hairdo Lim. He wanted to hear my recommended “stimulants” to expand the economy and estimated projected growth for next year. By then, me and me girl were reaching a climatic crescendo and the last thing we need was for some joker cutting in and talking about projections and stimulation, so in between agitated heavy panting I said “CHEEBYE! FUCK OFF LAH!” and promptly hanged up on him. On hindsight, what I should have told him in the first place was yes, our economy is undergoing rapid SHRINKAGE at the moment and there are absolutely no potential for any BIG substaintial growth but overall, the fundamentals of our economy remains strong.


The above writer is a declared bankrupt with a tendency to self hallucinates and in the midst of repaying his debts. Rather than viewing this as a smirch in his career, the writer associate this liability as street cred to be worn on the sleeves. The writer counts among his confidantes, Nick Leeson, Jerome Kerviel and the newly-minted jackass Richard Fuld even though none of them has ever heard of him.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. moomooman  |  September 24, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    wah… foursome….


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