Star Awards 2005

Star Awards, the annual glitzy event that celebrate all that are bad and mediocre about our entertainment industry is upon us once again. Accepting an invitation from Mediacorp, CheekyByNature sent its resident bitch, Kate Wong our showbiz reporter down to Caldecott Hill to cover the event. Below is the story she filed back.

Zoe Tay hijacked Star Awards
Report by Kate Wong

If there’s two words to describe this year Star Awards, the words are “Zoe Tay”. From appearing out of nowhere to hug a startled Chen Hanwei to hijacking Christopher Lee’s “thank you” speech and finally upstaging her co-presenter by babbling incessantly about her son, Zoe Tay surely represented all that’s bad about Singaporeans’ mannerism. And that’s pretty well sum up what’s to be said about the most prestigious media event in tiny Singapore.

Not being contended to be just the Queen, Aunty Zoe took it upon herself to play the role of the resident Jester of Caldecott Hill by malu-ing herself in front of thousands of TV audiences not once, not twice but thrice, much to the astonishment and despair of Mediacorp’s senior managements. “Scandalous” was what one senior management said to this reporter. So irritating and bothersome were Aunty Zoe’s antics that Bala, a sixty years old Mediacorp’s security guard deemed it fit to shove a certain part of his anatomy into her mouth just to shut her up. Stay Bala stay. While your intention was commendable, the size is all wrong. It’s far too flaccid for that big mouth of her’s.

The crowd moaned as Aunty Zoe made yet another unannounced appearance

When queried by the reporter about his wife’s unglam behaviour, Philip, her pilot husband merely quipped:” Zoe has been a very bad girl tonight. She’s going to get some ‘Apache treatments’ from me when she gets home.” Well, whatever you do Philip, just go easy on the spanking as her skin is no longer as taut as before. Hur hur.

Asked to comment on Zoe Tay’s behaviour, a C-list artiste who requested not to be named for fear of offending the Queen chipped in,” That siao char bo took too much cha cha cha pills until she become siao ding dong liao. Face it man, she’s way over the hill and rolling down the slope fast.”

C-list Artiste who asked not to be named (but he never said cannot publish his photo) ,” Zoe Tay is over the hill and rolling down the slope fast.”

Attempts to reach Christopher Lee and Fann Wong were in vain as the couple were quickly escorted off into a waiting van after the event. But according to an eyewitness Mr Chia, Christopher Lee was held back by minders from attempting a left hook to Aunty Zoe’s face backstage. “Frankly speaking, Singaporeans in general don’t really give a hoot on when these two lovebirds are going to get married. We just want to see a goddamn slug fest among the Artistes”, added Mr Chia jovially, no doubt playing a part in antagonising the already precarious situation.

Eyewitness Mr Chia,” Christopher Lee was trying to land a left hook to Zoe Tay’s face ala Mike Tyson”.

Zoe Tay’s friend of more than 10 years, Chen Han Wei was understandably more forgiving towards her antics and seek the media’s help not to be too harsh and critical on his good pal. “When a woman reached her menopause, it goes without saying she can act a bit weird. I hope the media can give her a little space to breath”, begged the newly crowned ‘Best Actor’, rib cage still sore from the sudden hurling of two lumps of human fresh at him.

Aside from the furore created by Aunty Zoe, the people who have reaped the most rewards from this year Star Awards are ex-Mediaworks lackeys, Bryan Wong and Quan Yi Feng who each took home two awards. This evidently squashed any rumours of behind the scene manoeuvre by senior exes to deny the duo of claiming their well deserved prizes although a Mediacorp senior exec was overheard saying,” No big deal, there’s still plenty of time to play around with them. Huhuhuh”. According to well placed sources, plans are underway to send the duo to Iraq to film a new variety programme. When asked to verify the source, the same senior exec declined comments but merely smiled sheepishly which only seemed to reinforce the notion.

Mediacorp senior exec’s reaction when asked to verify reports on sending Bryan Wong and Quan Yi Feng to Iraq to film a new variety programme.

Apart from winners, this year Star Awards also highlighted the same perpetual losers from previous years and no one exemplify this loser group more aptly than Henry Thia, a loser for the sixth straight year. When asked how he felt about not getting an award – again, our dear Henry merely shrugged his shoulder and lament,”There’s still next year”. Well of course there’s next year Henry, and next next year and next next next year and you are still not going to win any award.

“There’s still next year”. Right Henry and pigs will fly too.

If there’s any indication that this year Star award was a real bore, there’s no better representative to that than our very own President, Mr SR Nathan who was caught dozing off on several occasions during the live broadcast, a claim vehemently denied by his aide.
“His excellency was not napping. He just happened to have droopy eyelids!”, insisted the aide. When asked again about the President’s loud snoring. the aide snapped back,”He had a blocked nose goddamit!”

A good friend of the President

But whatever snoring and droopy eyelids that His Excellency had, all this was cast aside the minute sexpot Christy Chung made her grand appearance to present an award. The temperature in the auditorium went up a few notches as Christy Chung sashayed her well endowed bosoms to the front followed by the rest of her. Her sexy appeal was felt instantly as men in the auditorium shifted in their seats in unison with a few making trips to the restroom in quick succession. The presentation was going well until our Aunty Zoe hijacked the presentation from the lascivious Christy. Shouts of “Bitch” and “Whore” were blatantly ignored as our Queen continued on her one woman crusade to irritate the hell out of everyone which plenty much concludes how the night ended.