Encik Tan Has Something To Say

Yesterday Encik Rahim pointed out a discussion going on on the internet to me. Wah damn surprise that the old fuck can surf other things other than porn. Anyway he was telling me about this thing call the CEP use by all government bodies including SAF to gauge employee lah. CEP according to Rahim stands for Current Estimated Potential. Simi lan you might be asking. I said the same thing to Rahim and the old fuck explain that CEP is actually used by the big shots to measure your worth and potential to an organisation wor. The more tok kong your CEP the faster you get promoted lah. If your CEP got many digits like our ministers salary, don’t need to do sai kang liao, fuck Cpt, fuck Colonel straight away jump to BG liao. Rahim add that everyone is already assigned a score even before you start work based on your education level, your CCA (again simi lan) and what color horse you are (unless you are PM Lee’s son lah, in which case, you are labelled a unicorn liao). He add that all the cheebye scholars and white horse officers usually start off with a higher CEP and so can get promoted easier compared to the rest. Cheebye what kind of a fucking assessment is that. It’s like instead of needing to jog 6 rounds for 2.4, scholars and white horse need only to wayang round the track 3 times and they still get credited for gold.

Anyway the CEP got me thinking about my own CEP since lim peh haven’t been promoted for very long liao. So yesterday I went to see my CO. I ask the fucker, “SIR I like to know my CEP SIR!” The fucker looked at me and said “huh?”. So I repeat lah, ” SIR I LIKE TO KNOW MY CEP SIRR!” The son of a bitch looked at me again and said, “eh, Tan what for you want to know?” So I told him becos I long time no promotion so would like to know. If I’m condemned, at least I want to know how condemn I am mah. 是不是这样讲先!

The fucker then said “Tan it’s better that you don’t know lah. What for upset yourself”. Lan Jiao! I upset myself is my business. Lim peh said NO! Die die today must know. Low score neber mind, but still must know. So the asshole took a deep breath and said, ” Tan . . your CEP . . . actually you don’t have a CEP lah.” !!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok cheebye just what the fuck was that suppose to mean. I thought everyone got one CEP. Condemn also must have one CEP tio boh? You mean lim peh worse than a condemn hah? Cheebye! The asshole continued,” Tan, actually those with education level of Sec 2 and below, don’t need a CEP wan. I’m very sorry lah.” and then he patted my shoulder like a doctor telling someone his Ah Bu did not make it. Cheebye. I then asked him then how he determine when I should get promoted, the cheebye looked at his watch and said,” haha sorry Tan but I got a parade to inspect lah, really sorry lah” and off he ran.
Cheebye, that day where got parade. Chao Cheebye!

 

World class security in action

Scene: Somewhere, don’t know where but somewhere in an internationally renowned airport

A mother and daughter approaching the departure gates. Mother 30 plus, daughter about 9 years of age. They stop in front of a rotund slightly obese female security officer

Female security officer: Mdm I need you to take off your shoes.

Daughter: Mummy why they want you to take off your shoes hah?

Mummy: Oh becos they scare I put bomb in my shoes wor.

Female security officer: Excuse me, what did you say?

Mummy: I said you scare I put bombs in my shoes wor.

Female security officer: Kanninah, say again

Mummy: I SAID YOU SCARE I PUT BOOOOMBS IN MY SHOE WOR!

Female security officer: CHAO CHEEBYE. *whistle* Stephen over here!

A rotund obese male security officer swagger over

Male security officer: Yo?

Female security officer: This bitch said bomb twice

Male security officer: NABEH!

Mummy: I was only explaining to my daughter wat!

Female security officer: Doesn’t matter. you said bomb twice.

Mummy: You also said wat!

Female security officer: Doesn’t matter. I wear uniform. I tua kee.

Male security officer: Wah cannot. Very serious must inform sarge already

Male security officer: *talking over his walkie talkie* Neh to sarge, neh to sarge. Roger over

Sarge over walkie talkie: Apa deh?

Male security officer: Sarge, problem here, someone mentioned the word bomb twice

Sarge over walkie talkie: *gasp* CHEEBYE! BE RIGHT THERE!

A skinny sergeant swagger over

Sarge: Nabeh did you say BOMB!

Female security officer: Sarge not the girl lah, the mother

Sarge: Nabeh did you say BOMB!

Mummy: I was only trying to explain to my daughter! Aiyoh

Sarge: CANNOT! YOU CANNOT ANYHOW SAY BOMB! CANNOT WAN! This one very serious

Female security officer: Sarge so how?

Sarge: Think must inform state police.

Mummy and daughter slap foreheads. DIU

.
After 20 minutes of clarification

State Police: Cheebye

Sarge: Tell me about it

State Police : Referring to you lah dickhead!

Cont: Mdm I’m very sorry over the whole incident but that’s what you get when you outsourced everything to monkeys

*turning to the three monkeys* cheebye, next time use a bit of common sense can?

.
10 minutes later, an Indian man rushing towards the depature gate

Indian man: Excuse me, is this the gate to catch the flight to Bombay?

Female security officer: KANNINAH what did you say?

Travelogue

I’m staying inside this ramshack of a building along Nathan Road. More updates to follow.

Leaving on a Jetstar

Boon Teck – The Patriotic Singaporean Speaks Out

My dear fellow citizens, it has come to my recent attention that the displaying of animosities and hostilities from our 2 neighbours has really come to a critical point. From the burning of the effigy of our beloved DPM, to baseless accusation of us being responsible for the floods and finally having our football team’s victory branded as kelong, all these is just too much to bear. Being small, rich , prosperous and overwhelming obnoxious among a sea of losers doesn’t give any one any excuses for free access to our asses 24/7! Sure, by all means envy us for our acheivements, pander to us for direct investments but puh-lease spare us your jealousies and resentments and stuff them up where the sun don’t shine.

My dear fellow citizens, for too long we have been absorbing all the fondling and dildoing coming from our so called friends with quiet dignity. For too long we have been enduring all the blowing and the doggying for the sake of upholding the spirit of camaraderie in the lame body call Asean. Not any more. No my dear fellow citizens No! The time has come for us to place our hands over our ass and say ENOUGH! From this moment on, we will not simply let any Mahathir or Billabongs push us to the wall and grope our “asset” as and when they like it! The time has come for us to take a stance. A stance that signal to the pongs and the thirs that if they mess with us, be prepare for the “STDs” that come with it. I hereby request our most honourable Government to hold a referendum to decide on the course of action to be taken against these 2 imbecile backwater cessland masquerading as sovereign nations. This is not only to preserve the prestige and dignity of our nation but also to maintain our country’s role as a beacon of light in a region of underperforming losers!

 

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REFERENDUM A:

Your country has just been fucked by a neighbouring country. What do you think should be done?

A) Pretend nothing happen because we are a magnanimous country yo!

B) Resolve the spats through diplomatic means

C) WAR ASSHOLES!!!

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REFERENDUM B (for the Illiterate):

 

.

A)

B)

C)

Lian Huay and Her Babblings

I simply is very devastated now. Just receive a sms from Michelle that my idol 瑋倫 has passed away. Why? Why is it in most accident, it’s always the passengers that got killed and not the cheebye driver responsible.

Seriously, I don’t think I will give a hoot if any of the mediacorp stars kena accident and got killed. They I don’t know lah maybe they are on a different level, a much low class level when compare to overseas celebrities. That’s why I dun feel for them.

Anyway, Michelle told me that life very unpredictable wan, we must always seize the day and live each one as if it’s our last. Yah seize the day. How many times have we heard this before. After Sept 11, after the Tsunami? People said then one week later forgot about it. They went back to toil their lives as robots again. I tell you, not anyone can just seize the day wan loh. Those who keep preaching it most often has very comfortable and ideal family background to begin with. Either they are sibeh rich or have no burdens in their lives. You think if I got a bedridden parent and mountain of bills to pay I can just go off and seize the day meh. Mai make me laugh lah. I remember watching this show on channel 8 about this man who gave up his rich job as a banker to do don’t know wat charity and travel shit becos he said he want to seize the day. Damn hao lian the asshole. he kept saying he dun understand why everyone like working like a robot everyday. Seize the day! Seize the day! He keep repeating. Fuck you lah botak. You like to seize so much seize your own dick lah. Imagine if everyone seize the day, do you think you can just go down Newton circus at 1 am and order a plate of kway teow to eat? No loh! Everyone is out seizing the day mah where got time to fry kway teow for you. Where got time to fly you to Vietnam to do your backpacking travel shit. Please lah stop your “I’m different from the rest” almighty attitude. The only thing differnt about him is that he’s much uglier than the average person. Serious dun believe go and catch the show. maybe got a repeat. I think it’s Tuesday report.

I very long time not this sad liao. The last time was when my Ah Pa passed away from cancer when i was 7. I remember I cry alot and my Ah Bu came over and said “Lian Huay, why don’t you write Ah Pa a letter and send it to him way up there but dun forget to stick a stamp ok.” and I gong gong believe my Ah Bu. But hor that expereince of writing to him did cheer me up a bit. I never thought as a 7 years old girl I can write so much loh but write I did, all 10 pages of it. Pretty amazing load of craps from a 7 years hor, dun you think?

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Yo瑋倫!

Hello 瑋倫, how are you?
How is it over your end?
Does it have white fluffy clouds and clear blue skies like they show it on TV?
Or does it resemble down here with rainbows, white beaches and beautiful flowers lining out
as far as the eyes can see?
If only I could grow a pair of angel wings and join you
as you fly past the many layers of clouds and cast your beautiful gaze down upon us
observing and spreading your love as you go along
Dun faze, dun fret, dun worry
cos we are okay
And maybe one day just maybe
we could link up and soar in formation
just like mother goose and her goslings

Lian Huay and Her Babblings

Lately alot of my colleague have been bringing their kids to the office. Dun know when this trend started but the strange thing I noticed is most of these kids are chap zeng. Neh just yesterday, Rachel Lim brought her 5 years old chap zeng daughter to show off in the office and parade her around two times. One for opening and one for ending.
One thing about her daughter is that she really takes after the mother very very well. She straight away siam all the brown black and yellow and go directly to manja with the whites even though all the whities give a loud moan when they see her come a running. But still a lot of the auntie colleagues kept praising her saying “wah so pretty leh, so cute leh” and Rachel pretend pretend said “no lah where got pretty. Very ugly lah haha.” Wah piang modest until so fake. If not pretty you think she dare to bring her into the office meh.
Actually cannot blame them, if my kids are chap zeng, I also bring them to the office to show off. But the zeng must be chap correctly first lah. Chinese + mat cannot. Chinese + africa also cannot. Chinese + blanga lagi obviously cannot lah. In fact anything asia +asia cannot becos asia + asia still asia wat, wat so special. No. Must be chinese + ang moh. Ang moh ugly never mind, becos somehow the kid they produce one way or another will look like baby Jin Chen Wu but with blond hair and blue eyes.

Some of my colleague after marrying an ang moh start to change in attitude, the way they speak also change. It’s like they change into another person loh. With more class and more powderful English. Like the last time I very good friend with this colleague of mine Samantha Poh. We were very good jie mei wan. We always go for lunch together and talk about channel 8 drama serial but hor after she mary one ang moh, she become another person. Her name suddenly change to Samantha Veronica Richardson. Richardson is her husband surname. Veronica? Dun know. Maybe her pet name for her cheebye? Hey hello, maybe really leh haha. She also suddenly speak with an accent liao. You imagine, 20 over years habit of speaking can disappear just by marrying an ang moh. Now when she talk to people she use “darling” a lot as in “Ooooo darling, could you be so kind as to bring me that file?” “Oooo darling would you mind if I cut in?”. Last time she will just say “Siam ah!”
I remember I was talking to her once about Jin Jin in one episode and instead of responding, she just stared at me with a sotong look and ask “who’s Jin Jin?” Who’s JIN JIN? Haha, who’s Jin Jin indeed. JIN JIN, her all time favourite person in Holland V that’s who and she still ask me who’s JIN JIN? Can you believe that bitch. And instead of eating zhi char now, she eat at spinelli every day. Instead of channel 8, it’s now Art Central. Instead of NTUC, now is Mark and Spencer. Instead of Laurier Fresh N Dry . . . eh I think it’s still Laurier Fresh N Dry hur hur. Anyway what I want to say is now cannot connect with her alreadi. She also dumping all her old khakis and getting herself new set of friends loh. All have 3 x names. Wendy Carrison Tan from HR, Joyce Elizabeth Chua from Marketing, Margaret Carolyn Ang from PR and the ultimate one, Candice Uma Nathania Tay from ad sales. Haha, dun know whether to call her Candice, Uma or just C.U.N.T.

I told my Ah Bu maybe one day I should marry an ang moh also, have chap zeng children and give myself 3 names. My Ah Bu look at me and say,” Lian Huay, our lives have been set from the moment we were born. Your Ah Bu me was born to be a hawker. You were born to be a good for nothing. Never pretend to be something you are not. You are what you are.” My Ah Bu, sometimes dun know whether to kiss her or to kill her.

Crossroad ( An Apple or a Creative?)

Happy belated New Year everyone. Unlike all you cool and happening assholes counting down to the New Year at some hip watering holes, limpeh did the countdown inside his toilet becos of diarrhoea. 5 *plop* 4 *plop* 3 *plop* 2 *plop plop* 1 . HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! *plop plop plop plop* Cheebye.

Anyway while doing my business, I have plenty of stinko time to reflect on the past year. 2006 has been a mix year for me, the negatives no doubt out numbered the postitives but there are still the very rare occasions that I am grateful of including the fact that I’m still well and alive (so are my loved ones).

As I eased out another from my anus, I mentally worked out an audit on my career, my future heck my whole life in my head. What has my life amounted to all these years, any potential growth left in it and if not what kind of restructuring is needed to plonk it back on the mainboard. The cynical analyst in me told me my life resembles a Creative stock, dormant, unspectacular and under performing. But the idealistic dreamer in me still believes in the off chance of it becoming a Blue-Chip Apple stock.

Whatever the case, I have set a goal and given myself 5 years to attain it. The end result may make me worse off than when I just started but at the very least the process itself, good or bad more than justify all the what ifs. What about you? Do you want to be an Apple or a Creative stock or are you already one?

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The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

 

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

 

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

Cheeky Times Launches “The Peasant”

With the successful launch of our superficial entertainment and lifestyle magazine, Cheeky Times follow up with something more intellectual this time round. “The Peasant”, a news and current affairs magazine aims to provide you with the same investigative reporting and thorough analysis that are our trademark by now. In this first issue, we focus on the issue of foreign talents, specifically permanent residents (PR). We compiled and compiled, contemplate and contemplate before finally selected and profiled 50 PRs aka ‘prospective Singaporean’ whom we think are the best among the craps that we have seen plentifully in this country so far and subjected them to the citizenship test.

Except:

1) Pick out the Singapore flag from the diagram below:

2) Who is this bloke?

a) His Excellency, The President of Singapore, SR Nathan
b) Mutu the prata seller
c) Just another bangla

3) Link the respective logos to their Party’s Name

4) What is Fiona Xie cup size?

a) C
b) D
c) E
d) I have to tease it, slurp it, fondle it, caress it, feel it, cup it, squeeze it, suck it, press my whole face into it before I can deduce the size

5) Would you let your sons serve NS?

a) Haha
b) Hahaha

6) What are they celebrating about?

a) Economy is doing well and unemployment rate is down
b) Team Singapore has amassed 8 golds at the recently concluded DOHA games
c) They are all getting a pay raise soon

7) Majulah Singapura was composed by:

a)
b)
c)

8) Who are the Members of Parliaments for Aljunied GRC

a)

b)

c)

Cheeky Times Launches WAH LAU!

Cheeky Times is pleased to announce the launch of our first entertainment and lifestyle magazine WAH LAU! For our inaugural issue, we speak to the Singapore Idol himself, an interview that almost never happened!

Excerpt:

WAH LAU!: Thanks for joining us today.
Hady Mirza: It’s my pleasure.
WAH LAU!: So tell us Taufik, what can we expect from your second album.
Hady Mirza: I’m not Taufik.
WAH LAU!: HAH?
Hady Mirza: I’m not Taufik. I’m Hady Mirza
WAH LAU!: *Siao Liao*

Plus shocking relevation from the King of Caldecot Hill concerning his driving accident.
And our editors tried out all 36 chapters of the Karma Sutra and live to tell the tales.
We also have 25 copies of Taufik Joakim Hady Mirza’s album to be given away free!
Get your first issue of WAH LAU! at all leading newsstands while stocks last!