Archive for April, 2007
Encik Tan Has Something To Say
Yesterday Encik Rahim pointed out a discussion going on on the internet to me. Wah damn surprise that the old fuck can surf other things other than porn. Anyway he was telling me about this thing call the CEP use by all government bodies including SAF to gauge employee lah. CEP according to Rahim stands for Current Estimated Potential. Simi lan you might be asking. I said the same thing to Rahim and the old fuck explain that CEP is actually used by the big shots to measure your worth and potential to an organisation wor. The more tok kong your CEP the faster you get promoted lah. If your CEP got many digits like our ministers salary, don’t need to do sai kang liao, fuck Cpt, fuck Colonel straight away jump to BG liao. Rahim add that everyone is already assigned a score even before you start work based on your education level, your CCA (again simi lan) and what color horse you are (unless you are PM Lee’s son lah, in which case, you are labelled a unicorn liao). He add that all the cheebye scholars and white horse officers usually start off with a higher CEP and so can get promoted easier compared to the rest. Cheebye what kind of a fucking assessment is that. It’s like instead of needing to jog 6 rounds for 2.4, scholars and white horse need only to wayang round the track 3 times and they still get credited for gold.
Anyway the CEP got me thinking about my own CEP since lim peh haven’t been promoted for very long liao. So yesterday I went to see my CO. I ask the fucker, “SIR I like to know my CEP SIR!” The fucker looked at me and said “huh?”. So I repeat lah, ” SIR I LIKE TO KNOW MY CEP SIRR!” The son of a bitch looked at me again and said, “eh, Tan what for you want to know?” So I told him becos I long time no promotion so would like to know. If I’m condemned, at least I want to know how condemn I am mah. 是不是这样讲先!
The fucker then said “Tan it’s better that you don’t know lah. What for upset yourself”. Lan Jiao! I upset myself is my business. Lim peh said NO! Die die today must know. Low score neber mind, but still must know. So the asshole took a deep breath and said, ” Tan . . your CEP . . . actually you don’t have a CEP lah.” !!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok cheebye just what the fuck was that suppose to mean. I thought everyone got one CEP. Condemn also must have one CEP tio boh? You mean lim peh worse than a condemn hah? Cheebye! The asshole continued,” Tan, actually those with education level of Sec 2 and below, don’t need a CEP wan. I’m very sorry lah.” and then he patted my shoulder like a doctor telling someone his Ah Bu did not make it. Cheebye. I then asked him then how he determine when I should get promoted, the cheebye looked at his watch and said,” haha sorry Tan but I got a parade to inspect lah, really sorry lah” and off he ran.
Cheebye, that day where got parade. Chao Cheebye!
5 comments April 17, 2007
World class security in action
Scene: Somewhere, don’t know where but somewhere in an internationally renowned airport
A mother and daughter approaching the departure gates. Mother 30 plus, daughter about 9 years of age. They stop in front of a rotund slightly obese female security officer
Female security officer: Mdm I need you to take off your shoes.
Daughter: Mummy why they want you to take off your shoes hah?
Mummy: Oh becos they scare I put bomb in my shoes wor.
Female security officer: Excuse me, what did you say?
Mummy: I said you scare I put bombs in my shoes wor.
Female security officer: Kanninah, say again
Mummy: I SAID YOU SCARE I PUT BOOOOMBS IN MY SHOE WOR!
Female security officer: CHAO CHEEBYE. *whistle* Stephen over here!
A rotund obese male security officer swagger over
Male security officer: Yo?
Female security officer: This bitch said bomb twice
Male security officer: NABEH!
Mummy: I was only explaining to my daughter wat!
Female security officer: Doesn’t matter. you said bomb twice.
Mummy: You also said wat!
Female security officer: Doesn’t matter. I wear uniform. I tua kee.
Male security officer: Wah cannot. Very serious must inform sarge already
Male security officer: *talking over his walkie talkie* Neh to sarge, neh to sarge. Roger over
Sarge over walkie talkie: Apa deh?
Male security officer: Sarge, problem here, someone mentioned the word bomb twice
Sarge over walkie talkie: *gasp* CHEEBYE! BE RIGHT THERE!
A skinny sergeant swagger over
Sarge: Nabeh did you say BOMB!
Female security officer: Sarge not the girl lah, the mother
Sarge: Nabeh did you say BOMB!
Mummy: I was only trying to explain to my daughter! Aiyoh
Sarge: CANNOT! YOU CANNOT ANYHOW SAY BOMB! CANNOT WAN! This one very serious
Female security officer: Sarge so how?
Sarge: Think must inform state police.
Mummy and daughter slap foreheads. DIU
.
After 20 minutes of clarification
State Police: Cheebye
Sarge: Tell me about it
State Police : Referring to you lah dickhead!
Cont: Mdm I’m very sorry over the whole incident but that’s what you get when you outsourced everything to monkeys
*turning to the three monkeys* cheebye, next time use a bit of common sense can?
.
10 minutes later, an Indian man rushing towards the depature gate
Indian man: Excuse me, is this the gate to catch the flight to Bombay?
Female security officer: KANNINAH what did you say?
7 comments April 8, 2007
Travelogue
I’m staying inside this ramshack of a building along Nathan Road. More updates to follow.
7 comments April 1, 2007
