Lian Huay and Her Babblings

Lately alot of my colleague have been bringing their kids to the office. Dun know when this trend started but the strange thing I noticed is most of these kids are chap zeng. Neh just yesterday, Rachel Lim brought her 5 years old chap zeng daughter to show off in the office and parade her around two times. One for opening and one for ending.
One thing about her daughter is that she really takes after the mother very very well. She straight away siam all the brown black and yellow and go directly to manja with the whites even though all the whities give a loud moan when they see her come a running. But still a lot of the auntie colleagues kept praising her saying “wah so pretty leh, so cute leh” and Rachel pretend pretend said “no lah where got pretty. Very ugly lah haha.” Wah piang modest until so fake. If not pretty you think she dare to bring her into the office meh.
Actually cannot blame them, if my kids are chap zeng, I also bring them to the office to show off. But the zeng must be chap correctly first lah. Chinese + mat cannot. Chinese + africa also cannot. Chinese + blanga lagi obviously cannot lah. In fact anything asia +asia cannot becos asia + asia still asia wat, wat so special. No. Must be chinese + ang moh. Ang moh ugly never mind, becos somehow the kid they produce one way or another will look like baby Jin Chen Wu but with blond hair and blue eyes.

Some of my colleague after marrying an ang moh start to change in attitude, the way they speak also change. It’s like they change into another person loh. With more class and more powderful English. Like the last time I very good friend with this colleague of mine Samantha Poh. We were very good jie mei wan. We always go for lunch together and talk about channel 8 drama serial but hor after she mary one ang moh, she become another person. Her name suddenly change to Samantha Veronica Richardson. Richardson is her husband surname. Veronica? Dun know. Maybe her pet name for her cheebye? Hey hello, maybe really leh haha. She also suddenly speak with an accent liao. You imagine, 20 over years habit of speaking can disappear just by marrying an ang moh. Now when she talk to people she use “darling” a lot as in “Ooooo darling, could you be so kind as to bring me that file?” “Oooo darling would you mind if I cut in?”. Last time she will just say “Siam ah!”
I remember I was talking to her once about Jin Jin in one episode and instead of responding, she just stared at me with a sotong look and ask “who’s Jin Jin?” Who’s JIN JIN? Haha, who’s Jin Jin indeed. JIN JIN, her all time favourite person in Holland V that’s who and she still ask me who’s JIN JIN? Can you believe that bitch. And instead of eating zhi char now, she eat at spinelli every day. Instead of channel 8, it’s now Art Central. Instead of NTUC, now is Mark and Spencer. Instead of Laurier Fresh N Dry . . . eh I think it’s still Laurier Fresh N Dry hur hur. Anyway what I want to say is now cannot connect with her alreadi. She also dumping all her old khakis and getting herself new set of friends loh. All have 3 x names. Wendy Carrison Tan from HR, Joyce Elizabeth Chua from Marketing, Margaret Carolyn Ang from PR and the ultimate one, Candice Uma Nathania Tay from ad sales. Haha, dun know whether to call her Candice, Uma or just C.U.N.T.

I told my Ah Bu maybe one day I should marry an ang moh also, have chap zeng children and give myself 3 names. My Ah Bu look at me and say,” Lian Huay, our lives have been set from the moment we were born. Your Ah Bu me was born to be a hawker. You were born to be a good for nothing. Never pretend to be something you are not. You are what you are.” My Ah Bu, sometimes dun know whether to kiss her or to kill her.