Encik Tan has something to say

Lim peh is fucking angry right now. Do you know why Lim Peh is fucking angry. Because of this guy call Melvyn Tan. This fucker, according to the newspaper, defaulted on his NS and he was only punished with a fine. A fine. Can you believe it? Just a fucking fine. Back in my time, when you want to try to play with the system, you better standby one big tub of jello 5-O to lubricate your ass because when the system fuck you up, it really fuck you up real hard. Dun play play eh.

To tell you the truth, our armed forces are really getting softer and softer each year. No kidding. That’s why asshole like Melvyn Tan can get away so lightly. You just have to take a look at our batch of recruits each year. A bunch of sissy I tell you. The number of chao keng recruits keep increasing every year. I remember one year when I was the CSM of a Pes C platoon during BMT. Can vomit blood eh I tell you. A Pes C platoon if you dun know consists of all the chao keng recruits with all sorts of fucking medical problems, mostly exaggerated thanks to the specialists they were paying. By military law, these fuckers cannot be tekan, otherwise Lim Peh has to go DB. These fuckers, tell them do something can come up with a lot of fucking excuses. I remember one instance when I ordered one recruit from this platoon to drop me 10. The faggot looked at me and said, “Sorry Encik, but I excused hand.” So I said neber mind and ordered the faggot recruit to run and touch a tree and come back. The faggot recruit looked at me again and said, “Sorry Encik, but I also excused legs.” Kanninah, so I asked him got excuse mouth or not. He said no. So I ordered him to open his fucking mouth and give me a blow job. Then you know what he did? The fucker immediately drop 50 for me, no question ask. Talk about chao keng.

Nowadays I tell you, the army is being slowly taken over by all these scholars from famous overseas university. Cambridge lah, Harvard lah. One thing I hate about these scholars is they a lot of patterns, talk a lot of cock but no substance one. They even dare to talk back – but only to non commissioned officers like me lah. The fucking brains from HQ even come up with this lan jiao idea to have a scholar platoon for every batch during BMT. They said must group all our smartiest brain in one platoon and nurture them to be SAF future leaders. Future leaders? Lan Jiao understand. More like monkeys I tell you. Did you see the way some of these scholars did their push-ups. Sibeh gu niang siah. Got one time, I saw this officer cadet who is also a president scholar doing his push-ups in the training shed. I walked up to him and told him to apologise to the floor. The fucker looked at me with a blur look and ask me why. So I smiled and asked him if his girlfriend was kena fuck by somebody for no fucking reason, will he get angry and demand an apology. The fucker said yes he will and he will also beat the crap out of the guy. Then I asked him in that case shouldn’t he say sorry to the floor too because he was also fucking it for no apparent reason. The fucking scholar eyes big big stared at me and face turned red. I see already also no mood to eat. I remember another instance when I ordered this scholar recruit to run and touch a tree. Don’t ask me why, but SAF like to ask recruits to run and touch a tree. It’s a tradition. Anyway, this fucker asked me why. So I said because I fucking said so. Then this fucker cocked his head and asked ” Why? What purpose does it serve if I run and touch a tree?” Lan jiao understand. Dare to question my authority. So I told him running and touching the tree serve the same purpose as scratching my balls. Because it make me feel shiok can? But the fucker don’t buy my idea. He went to the OC, who by the way is also a scholar, and report me for mistreatment. I don’t want to say much lah, but I kena 5 extras from that incident.

Sometimes when I see our generals standing next to those generals from Indonesia and Thailand, I feel embarrased. Why? Because our generals look like mummy boys standing next to men. You see those Indonesia general, with their bulging muscles, crew cut and tanned military look and then you look at ours. Can cry eh I tell you. Other people generals inspire respect, ours inspire laughter. I tell you, SAF got no real men already, all the real men kena court martial and thrown into jail liao like those three commandos. Poor thing.

You may wonder then why Lim Peh is still serving in the army after all the bad things I said about the army. I tell you why – because i love my country *eyes brim with tears*. I love my country so much that I’m willing to dedicate my whole life to protecting it. I love my country so much that I’m willing to accept all the craps that comes with this sacred duty. I love my country so much that . . . . . actually no lah, I serve in the army because I cannot find a job outside. Haha.

                               -Disclaimer aka cover our backside-

Encik Tan is currently a Sergeant Major in the Army. All the views stated here belongs to Encik Tan and him alone. This blog has absolutely no input whatsoever with regards to this article. In fact, we don’t even know Encik Tan personally. We might have bump into each other on the streets or beo his daughter a few times, but that’s about it.

The one about “cheebye face”

Cheeky met up with one of his mates last Friday for some late night drinking. The mate, Ronald, was lamenting to cheeky his difficulty in landing a proper job in the industry he wanted and had studied three years for – PR and Marketing. Now Ronald is a nice and amiable bloke, eloquent with a good sense of humour thrown in and armed with a good degree from NUS. By right there should be no lack of suitors hankering for his services after he graduated. But by left, this is sadly not the case. Ronald was literally tearing his hairs out trying to figure out the reason behind his unsuccessful jobs hunt. However to cheeky, the reason to his predicament is pretty obvious. Ronald has what is commonly refer to as a “cheebye face”. “A what? “, you might ask. A “cheebye face”, my dear readers, a “cheebye face”. By now, you should be feeling tempted to follow up by asking cheeky, “what the fuck is a “cheebye face?””. To answer the question, cheeky would like you to close your eyes and dig through the memories that are lodged in the deep recesses of your puny brain. Ask yourself, have you ever seen a person for the very first time and suddenly developed this niggling urge to rain blows onto his face for no apparent reason? If you do, you are suffering from the effect of having seen a “cheebye face”. A “cheebye face” simply put, attract punches the same way a piece of shit attract flies.

Anyway, back to Ronald. If it’s not for the fact that he has been cheeky’s childhood friend since the age of five and having grown attuned to his looks all these years, cheeky would have beaten the crap out of him the first time he saw him. Right then, cheeky was trying to think of a nice way to convey this message to him. That he has a “cheebye face”. That it’s not his fault. That he can forget about landing a job in the PR sector because no PR firms worth their salts are ever going to hire someone with a “cheebye face” like his.

Cheeky: Dude, have you thought of going into some other lines
Ronald: Dude, you know me. You know there’s only one job that I ever wanted.
Cheeky: Yes I know dude. But dude, maybe you should find jobs that are solitary in nature and doesn’t require too much interaction with people. You know like eh . . . like eh . . . like a monk?
Ronald: Dude, are you saying I’m ugly?
Cheeky: No no no, you are not ugly. You are just . . . how do I put it?
Ronald: Fuck it man. Just spit it out.
Cheeky: You have a cheebye face.
Ronald: What?
Cheeky: You have a cheebye face.
Ronald: A what?
Cheeky: A cheebye face.
Ronald: A what again?
Cheeky: A . . CHEEEEEE-BYEEEE-FACEEEEE
Ronald: What the fuck is that?

Cheeky passed him the magazine he was reading and pointed out a few pictures to him

After that, Ronald began sobbing uncontrollably. It’s understandable. It’s like Aids. You never think it will happen to you, but when it does, the truth and shame are just too much to bear. But even though life dealt you a bad hand, it’s still possible you can win a game of poker with a pair of twos, can’t you. And that was precisely what Cheeky proceeded to tell Ronald. That although the people in the pixs that were shown to him might be jinxed with “cheebye faces”, but it’s also a fact that they are enjoying success in their own respective careers which coincidently are all in the entertainment industry. A coincidence that Ronald has taken note and planning to act on because he told cheeky later that he’s joining the next season of Singapore Idol even though he can’t sing to save his life.

Assignments

We have talked in length about “cheebye face” but how much of it do you really understand anyway. To gauge your understanding of the topic, try the following questions:

1. Take a look at the following picture. Can you identify which member of the Faggot 4 has a “cheebye face”?

2. Explain in not more than 500 words, why “cheebye face” are more commonly found in men than in women.

3. Who in your opinion has a “cheebye face” in Singapore blogosphere (excluding Cheeky of course).

Please do not confuse Cheeky with other people

So sorry for the lack of updates, Cheeky has been lying low for the past few weeks (on the bed with his girl no less, hur hur). The reason being, the amount of threatening emails cheeky received has more than tripled since the two bloggers were charged and jailed for making seditious comments on the internet. Anyway, cheeky would like to reassure everyone that his balls were shaken but not stirred by the whole saga and he will be back blogging on a regular basis soon.

The next purpose of this post is to clear up some confusions. Beside receiving threatening emails, cheeky has also been receiving weird emails in the last few days. Something about a Halloween Party held recently. It seems that people has mistaken cheeky for someone else, someone by the nick “paikia”. Let cheeky states that he has not gone to any party let alone met up with fellow bloggers. In fact the only party he went on that day was the one organised by his girls in his bedroom, we had a S&M theme for it, but that’s another story. To conclude, Cheeky is Cheeky, paikia is paikia and never the two shall meet. Cheeky hopes that this clear up any misunderstanding. If you still have any doubts, kindly send me an email cheekyblogger@yahoo.com. Who the fuck is this paikia anyway. Got his photo or not?

To have a better idea on how cheeky looks like, he actually a cross between

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P.s: Please wipe off your drools before you leave.

P.s.s: Somebody has also listed this blog as his own on friendster which of course is not true.

P.s.s.s: Somebody also leave messages on tagboard using Cheeky’s identity and his blog URL. Which again is not true. Cheeky has never left comments on any tagboards.

P.s.s.s.s: Damned cheebye hor these people.