Jimmy and his lemonade stand

On March the 3rd 2005, a 10-year-old boy was brought before the juvenile court and sentenced to 1-year probation in the boys’ home. Not many people know about it since the trial was snappy and low profile in nature. The boy, Jimmy Lee Jun Hong was a promising and well-behaved student studying in a prominent primary school and had excelled both in studies and CCA. Poor Jimmy. Just what did he do that prompted the rather harsh sentence by the court. The answer; lemonade stand. According to sources obtained by this blog, Jimmy was said to have broken a few laws by setting up his lemonade stand on the pavement between Ang Mo Kio Avenue 2 and 3. Details were pretty sketchy at that point of time. Nevertheless, our reporter managed to coax out some answers and views from the authorities and the people who know Jimmy personally respectively after some painstaking efforts.

Spokesperson from the Singapore Police Force

The police received a tip off from an anonymous caller at approximately 10.45 a.m on Tuesday and wasted no time in apprehending Jimmy Lee Jun Hong. Jimmy in this case has broken 2 laws under section 663 and 664(a) of the Penal code…..I think. What did you say? No, not penis. It’s penal. That’s P-E-N-A-L. That’s right. Goodness. Anyway, the fact is, the police view the congregations of customers around Jimmy’s lemonade stand amounting to an unlawful assembly act. Not only this, motorists stopping their vehicles by the road to patronize Jimmy’s stand contributed to a massive jam between Ang Mo Kio avenue 2 and 3. Because of these, the police have no choice but to take Jimmy in. We arrested Jimmy with a clear conscience.

Spokesperson from the Environmental Public Health (National Environment Agency)

Whoa whoa who the hell are you? Why are you hiding behind that pot of plant? …Oh, so you want to ask about that case involving Jimmy Lee? I see. The case against him was very straight forward. Jimmy never apply for a hawker license. Period. Hah? Where did I get my haircut? My wife trimmed it for me. Why do you ask? Look like shit?! Kannenah! Yo security! Security, we have an intruder here!

Spokesperson from the Singapore Land Authority

According to our records, the parcel of land that Jimmy operated his lemonade stand on belongs to the authority. This piece of evidence against him is indisputable. If Jimmy wanted to use the land in the first place, he should jolly well have submitted a tender for it. What’s that again? No, his age shouldn’t be used as an excuse. A crime is a crime. Shame on you for even suggesting it. And can I ask you a question? When was the last time you took a bath? Because you absolutely stink.

Koh Teck Leng. A soft-drinks vendor operating close to Jimmy’s lemonade stand.

Nabeh Jimmy. Serve him right. Why am I so mad? Of course must be mad lah. That boy actually undercut my business and caused my profit to dip by almost 20% during that one day his lemonade stand was up and running. Kudos to the authorities for moving in on him. For once I feel my tax money was well spend. Hello, can you stop putting your arm around my shoulder. Think what, friend friend hah?

Peter Wong. The judge who presided over Jimmy’s trial.

Holy macaroni. You freak. You almost scared me to death! Don’t sprung on me like that again. What do you want? Oh, about that Jimmy boy is it? Ok, well after reviewing all the evidence against Jimmy Lee Jun Hong carefully, the court has sufficient ground to find him guilty of all charges and thereby sentenced him to 1-year probation in the boys’ home. No, I don’t think the sentence is too harsh. No, I haven’t tasted his lemonade before. Why the hell are you asking me that for? Yes we know Jimmy is a smart boy who had done well in school, CCA and blah blah blah. The truth is, this court doesn’t give a shit to all that. Let me just fill you in on a little secret. The authorities have actually amassed a large number of foreign talents, always ready to be granted a citizenship to replenish any Singaporean we jailed I tell ya. Hey, is it just me or do you smell something foul around here?

Goh Tok Heng. Principal of a prominent primary school which Jimmy used to attend.

Jimmy? Jimmy who? We don’t have anyone by that name in this school. You got the wrong school my friend. Psst…You know, you should go try the school further down the street instead. That school has a reputation of churning out losers and social misfits. Don’t tell anyone I say one hah. Hmm…wonder why this room suddenly smells like kiam hee (salted fish).

Xiao Hong. Chinese national from Hubei, China. Classmate of Jimmy whom he consistently beat in studies.

What do you want from me? I didn’t call the police. I know nothing ok……..Oh, you just want my opinion on Jimmy as a classmate. I see I see. Well, I must admit Jimmy was an extremely popular person in school, well liked by everyone. That bastard. Although he constantly relegates me to second spot in studies, I bear no grudges towards him. Only hatred. It is rather unfortunate to see Jimmy in such a predicament. It really pains my heart to see such a promising person thrown into a boys’ home. Only 1 year, damn it. I hope he can come out of it a stronger and better person. And I hope the public won’t chastise the girl who tipped off the police. She was just doing what any law-abiding person would do. Eh… not that I know the caller was really a girl in the first place lah. Haha. It was just an assumption you know. Maybe it’s a boy leh. Haha. Or an elderly. Haha……Can I go now?

Mutu Ravisamy. Head warden of the boys’ home.

Don’t worry everybody. Jimmy is in good hands. Under our guidance and counseling, Jimmy will be rehabitated into a strait laced and responsible citizen in no time. For a start, we will be subjecting Jimmy to 3 months of intensive line-dancing lessons to make sure he will never ever step out of line from the rest again. Pardon? Yes yes, with all the costumes, boots, cowboy hat and everything. He will also be required to study that thick slab of “monster” called the Singapore Constitutions so that he will never break a single rule and regulation again. Pardon again? Of course there is an exam. What kind of a dumb question was that? Can I continue? Thank you. The program will then end with a state sponsored trip to Australia for all our boys. Over there, they will be given a glimpse of the pathetic lives exile opposition members are currently living. You know, just to shake these kids up a bit. To let them know this is what awaits them if they went against the system. What’s that you ask? No, we don’t have a preferred airline. No, we have no idea Valuair is currently having a promotion to Australia. You asked pretty weird questions, you know that? And by the way, go take a bath. You smell real bad.

Ah Fatt, a hawker selling dried bean curds at Pasir Panjang wholesale centre.

You again!

An encounter with an African player

Oh man, the new S-league season is upon us once again. Have you people noticed the great influx of African players into the game. Just visit some of the stadiums and you are bound to catch a few of them in action. Cheeky was out jogging at the stadium last week when he came across one S-league football team near the end of their training. There were a few African players on the field and cheeky thought it might be a good idea to get their autographs. You never know-given their talents- just how far some of these African players will rise on the world football stage. Cheeky noticed one particular player approaching the dug out and quickly went towards him.
Bad move. Our friend here, if you don’t know, has just been reprimanded by the coach for being too lax during training and was in a pretty foul mood.

Cheeky: Hi there bro, can I have your autograph?
African player: What’s that ya said?
Cheeky: I said can I have your autograph?
African player: No before that.
Cheeky: Hi there
African player: No after that
Cheeky: Bro
African player: Lemme just ask ya something. Were ya around me when the whole family was out there in Nigeria digging thro’ dirt looking for a sip of water?
Cheeky: …Eh no.
African player: Were ya around me when the whole family was out there in Nigeria fighting off the vultures for food?
Cheeky: …No
African player: And were ya anywhere around me when Papa got kicked in the groin by the rhino and had to has his swollen testicle removed?
Cheeky: …No.
African player: So don’t ya go all brotherly with me. Ya hear me?
Cheeky: Ok, I get it. I’m sorry. Can I please have your autograph?
Cheeky handed him a pen and a piece of paper.

African player: What’s this?
Cheeky: It’s a piece of paper for you to sign your name.
African player: No it isn’t. This is just a piece of scrap ya picked from the garbage bin. What’s the matter with ya. Just because I’m black ya think I don’t deserve a proper piece of paper? Is that what ya saying?
Cheeky: Whoa whoa steady friend.
African player: Just because I’m a few shades darker than ya, ya think I can just sign on any piece of shit? Is that what ya think? Well lemme tell ya something ya yellow piece of dung. Agugu ain’t taking no shit from anybody. Ya hear me? Ain’t taking no shit.
Cheeky: Ok ok. Why the hell do you get so work up for. Goodness.
African player: Oh, so black people can’t have a temper. Is that what ya trying to say. What do you take me for? A nigger who has to tend to your farm?
Cheeky: Hey I didn’t say that ok. You are out of your mind.
African player: Oh so now I’m a crazy nigger.
Cheeky: Look, I didn’t call you a nigger. And this piece of paper is not something I picked up the bin. I actually tore it from my autograph book ok.
African player: Oh tore from an autograph book. I see I see. A little segregation in place just in case a nigger’s autograph taint the whole book, is that what you mean?
Cheeky: ……
African player: Well lemme tell ya something you slant eyes bastard, Agugu didn’t come all the way here to get disrespected. Ya got me? Ain’t nobody goin to show Agugu any disrespect. Agugu ain’t goin to just stand around and get shove by you people, no no no. Cos when the clock struck twelve and the tide went low, the only one left standing will be Agugu Mutomobi looking down at the rest of all you pathetic ass. Oh yeah.
The African player grabbed the paper, cleared his throat and spitted on the paper

African player: Here’s your fucking autograph asshole.

And off he went to the dressing room. Just like that. If that’s anything you can learn from this episode, dear readers, it’s that never ask an autograph from a player who has just been fucked by his coach in front of dozens of joggers and children.

Off for a break

Cheeky is taking a short break from blogging. Will be back in a couple of weeks. Adios.