A Story about Him and Her

He was an engineering student at NTU,
Who do nothing but surfed porn the whole day.
She was a business student at NTU,
Who do nothing but blog the whole day.
Both shared similar traits and characters.
He was obstinate,
She was stubborn.
He has a foul mouth,
She has a wicked tongue.
He enjoyed swearing,
She enjoyed cursing.
He’s a bastard,
She’s a bitch.
They were meant for each other.

They were next-door neighbors in the hostel they were living in,
But they were simply unaware of each other existence.
How stupid.
Like 2 MRT trains running on parallel tracks,
They ran past each other countless of time but never once langga.
He always turned left,
Because the dustbin was on the left.
She always turned right,
Because the toilet was on the right.
Taking escalator at the same time,
He always went up (can see upskirt),
She always went down (ZARA and MANGO located on the ground floor).
Taking the bus at the same time,
One always boarded the bus,
While the other always alighted from the bus (EZ Link no money left).

One day, while zoboing in the park,
The two lives finally converged.
He was wearing a singlet and a pair of jeans,
one size smaller, 2 sizes tighter,
Showcasing his toned biceps and perky butt.
She was wearing a tube top and mini skirt,
2 sizes smaller and 3 inches shorter,
Showcasing her D cup and long legs.
It was lust at first sight.
He with blood trickling down from his nose.
She with saliva drooling from the corner of her mouth.
He let her touched his big big muscles,
She taught him how to swear in Cantonese.
They made out behind the bush like they were long time lovers.
The made out went so well,
They decided to exchange phone numbers.
Writing it down on 2 pieces of papers.
They held it dearly,
As if they were ERS forms.
But alas, fuck the Singapore weather.
It rained.
They parted hastily.
Fate decided to play a joke on them.
When they got home,
They discovered the numbers were smudged.
Fucking turbines

-To be continued-

Great fun with IRC

Cheeky used to chat in IRC during exam periods to de-stress. IRC for your info, provide a great excuse for you to leave your brain in the fridge and indulge in some mindless conversations with strangers. Great entertainment values plus it’s low cost. Anyway, below is an excerpt of a chat that happened a few years ago.

Cheeky aka Mike: Hi, I’m Mike. Anyone care for a chat?

15 minutes gone and not a single person wanted to chat with cheeky.
What do you do in such a situation? You change your nick.

Cheeky aka Sexy Mike: Hi. Anyone wants to chat?

5 minutes went by and suddenly a message from someone called NUS guy popped up on the screen.

NUS guy: You think you are so damn sexy? Why don’t you go fuck yourself. Fucking loser. Hahaha.

Hey, come on. There’s no need to be mean. Cheeky just want to chat with someone. Anyone. Drastic situation calls for drastic action. Cheeky decided to change his nick again.

Cheeky aka Rachel: Hi, anyone care for a chat?

This seems to do the trick. Very soon, a couple of guys attempt to chat up with cheeky, er I mean Rachel. But Rachel ignored them because he, no she no he, oh what the fuck he/she was waiting for that very special person to appear. After a few minutes, that special someone appeared.

NUS guy: Hi. Wanna chat?
Woohoo!!! The dickhead has knocked on the door. Why don’t we reciprocate and let him in. It’s gonna to be fun.
Cheeky aka Rachel: Sure.
NUS guy: Intro pls.
Don’t they ever change their lines.
Rachel: 20/f. U leh?
NUS guy: Me 23/m. Are u studying?
No, cheeky is lazing at home all day scratching his balls.
Rachel: Yup. At NUS.
NUS guy: hey, me too. Which faculty are you from?
Rachel: Business.
NUS guy: I’m from engineering. Where do u live?
A few miles from Lim Chu Kang abattoir where your fellow friends are being slaughtered
Rachel: At Bishan St 23.
NUS guy: Ok. So u got a boyfriend?
No, but got plenty of girlfriends.
Rachel: No.
NUS guy: Yah, me too. Just dumped my previous girlfriend.
Hahaha, like real.
Rachel: So why did u dump her?
NUS guy: Oh. Incompatible characters. She was too possessive. I prefer a bit more freedom for myself. I don’t like my girlfriend restricting my way of life, u know what I mean? So what’s your height and weight?
Dickhead is clearly looking for a babe. Lets oblige his request.
Rachel: 166cm/43kg.
NUS guy: u must be very pretty.
Er… if you say so. But cheeky prefer to be called yan dao.
Rachel: Ok lah. You leh? Must be very handsome right?
NUS guy: Hmmm… my female classmates did say I resemble Daniel Wu a lot. I don’t know lah. I think I resemble Tony Leung more.
Someone please pass cheeky a bag. He needs to puke.
Rachel: So are u on a look out for a new girlfriend?
NUS guy: I don’t think there’s a need. I think I have found one right in you.
Make that bag a large one.
Rachel: haha, u are a smooth talker.
NUS guy: Gift of the gab is just one of my many virtues u know. If you don’t mind, can I know your vital statistic.
Sure. It’s 11 inches in length
Rachel: 36-24-36.
NUS guy: Wow! Do u have a photo that u could send to me.
Oh oh. How?
Rachel: u send me your first lah.
NUS guy: Ok, but after that u promise to send me yours. Promise me hah.
Promise your head lah.
Rachel: sure.
Dickhead DCC his photo over.


Haha, really look like Tony Leung. The pirated version of the pirated version of Tony Leung.

Rachel: Wah, u look very handsome leh.
NUS guy: Thanks. A lot of people said that.
Still puking
NUS guy: Now u must send me yours hor.
Rachel: I don’t have to. U just have to buy the latest copy of Maxim. I’m on page 12 wearing a pink bikini.
NUS guy: Wah serious? U are a model?
No, but Cheeky got a lot of model areoplanes at home.
Rachel: I’m just a part timer. Nothing to shout about.
NUS guy: Tomorrow, I will buy one copy, first thing in the morning.
I’m sure you will, you fucking piece of shit.
NUS guy: Can I have your number?
Of course. The number is 999
Rachel: er… I’m not that keen to give my number to strangers. Why don’t u leave me yours.
NUS guy: ermm… ok. My number is 9xxxxxxx.
Woohooo, tomorrow go buy toto and 4D
NUS guy: can I meet you in person?
Cheeky very shy leh. How?
Rachel: er…. Sure. But I want to bring a friend along.
NUS guy: No problem. Is she a gal by the way.
Rachel: No. It’s a guy. But u know him too.
NUS guy: u are kidding me right? What’s his name?
Rachel: Sexy Mike.
NUS guy:…………………………Chao cheebye!!!

Wahahahaha. See IRC can be so fun. However, if you are looking for a life partner or soul mates, the IRC is not the right avenue because all kinds of people with undesirable motives and traits exist in the chat room. Better to be entertained, don’t you think?

One of the many reasons why China will rise to become a superpower in the world.

From Germany

From Russia

From The United Kingdom

From The United States of America

And finally, from China

Investigation into Taupoking

A piece of taupok. Who would have thought that it could caused so much controversy. With the complaint of a parent whose son is studying in a premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area, cheekybynature dive deep into this fiasco to find out what the hell is taupoking? What are its long-term consequences? Do the students from the premier school located somewhere in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area have nothing better to do? Are all the students from the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area aware of the dangers taupoking bring to the victims?

A student studying in the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area, who wanted to known only as Chris.

Reporter: So Chris, tell me. Why is the game call Taupok. Why not Kway Teow or Bak Chor Mee?
Chris: Well according to my seniors, the game was originally called “Touch Ball”. A term coined in American football. However we decided to call it “taupok” to give it a local flavor. Reporter: Are there any safety precautions we need to adhere to when indulging in taupoking?
Chris: Ok, for a start, we do not taupok fat people or anyone with BO. We’re just gonna to make life difficult for ourselves by doing that. Also, it is advisable for guys not to wear boxer shorts and for gals to wear a good bra. Taupoking is a physical and rigorous activity, you wouldn’t want your balls or boobs to be flying all over the places. Always make sure you stay away from the victim’s legs. A mean kick sustained could render you ineligible for the A level for quite a few months.
Reporter: So taupoking can take place anytime and anywhere?
Chris: Yes, taupoking can take place when you least expected. Even when……TAUPOKKK!!!!!!!!!!
Reporter kena taupok by students.

A victim of taupoking, who used to study in the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area and wanted to be known only as Alan.

Reporter: So Alan, tell me, what happened that day?
Alan: It was awful……I was minding my own business when………I’m sorry.
Reporter: It’s ok. Take your time.
Long Pause

Alan: I was walking along the corridor minding my own business when suddenly, someone shouted TAUPOK.
Reporter: And then?
Alan: The next thing I knew, fatso Tan and big ass Chong from S5A were sitting on top of me with a couple of other guys. Then I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital.
Reporter: Did you suffer any serious injuries?
Alan: A few of my ribs were broken. I stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks and underwent physiotherapy for another 3 months. I also have counseling sessions thrice a week to help me get over the trauma.
Reporter: Have your life change in anyway after that fateful day.
Long Pause

Alan: I can never look at a piece of taupok the same way again. My mom has to remove all pieces of taupoks before I can tuck into my favorite bowl of Laksa.
Reporter: Do you bear any grudges towards your peers?
Bloody long pause again

Reporter: Do you bear any grudges towards your peers?
Alan: No. But I would have loved the gals to taupoked me instead.

A statement from the Ministry of Education:

The ministry is taking a serious view into the incident. We wish to reassure the public, especially the parents, that the incident happened only within the premises of the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area. It is an isolated incident and there is no cause for alarm. However, as a safeguard, the ministry has send personnels down to the school to investigate the matter. We also have experienced counselors on hand to counsel the affected students and teachers. All those involved in “Taupoking” have been rounded up and interrogated. A few have been short listed and drafted into the combined school rugby team where they can utilize their talents in a better way.

Dr Pang, a psychiatrist with the Institute of Mental Health.

Reporter: In your opinion, why did the students come up with a stupid game like taupoking?
Dr Pang: Being premier has its price to pay you know. My years of experience tell me that the students studying in that premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area have enormous stress and frustrations inside them. They needed an outlet to vent it all out, that’s probably why they invented this taupoking game.
Reporter: Dr Pang what are the signs to look out for in a victim who has been subjected to taupoking?
Dr Pang: First of all, the victim will experience withdrawal symptom. It is best to leave the victim alone in the initial stages. The victim will also display an utter disgust towards anything made of soybeans.
Reporter: Is there anything that could help to lessen the trauma or anything that could speed up the recovery?
Dr Pang: I think that it would be wise for the family of the victim to remove anything at home that have a slight resemblance to a taupok. For example, Spoongebob Squarepants cartoons and any TV programs with Mark Lee in it should be barred. Group activities, especially those that require close proximity should be avoided at all cost. The road to recovery will be long and treacherous, it would be good if the family can participate in counseling sessions with the victims to lessen their pain and be more accommodating and understanding toward the victim’s needs.

Ah Fatt, a hawker selling dried bean curds at Pasir Panjang wholesale centre.

Reporter: Tell me Ah Fatt, has the taupoking incident affected your business in any way? Ah Fatt: Hah?
Reporter: I said, has the taupoking incident affected your business in any way?
Ah Fatt: Simi Lan Jiao?
Reporter: No. Not Lan Jiao, it’s taupok.
Ah Fatt: Pok your head lah pok. Go away lah cheebye, I very busy lah.

JC Orientation

With the start of the new school year, all the JCs will be conducting their orientations. Yes, it does bring back memories now that cheeky thinks about it.

If you haven’t know, one of the staple event in any JC orientations is mass dance. This is when horny young men and nubile young gals got paired up to master some dance steps choreograph by the student councilors.

Cheeky remembers that he and his cohort were all huddled up into the hall. Everyone knew that it’s time for mass dance when the student councilors started to shut all the doors in the hall due to the repeated history of people slipping out during the dance in previous years. Yes, the government has successfully imbedded its style of governing into schools. A group of Chinese High students, with their tight little shorts and hairy legs, started moaning about wasting their time learning some stupid dance, but then we all know that deep down, they are eager to get the dance started. Horny hypocrites. So when the time came for everyone to pair up, the same group of Chinese High students was busy scouting for their long lost sisters from Nanyang Girls. Cheeky was scanning the hall for some convent girls. Don’t know why but cheeky was especially smitten with convent girls. Must be their uniform. But as luck would have it, cheeky was paired up with a butch in the mould of Joscelin Yeo. If it wasn’t for her school uniform, cheeky would have mistaken her as a guy. But being a gentleman, cheeky nevertheless tried to strike up a conversation with her.

Cheeky: Hi, my name is cheeky.
Butch: Cut the small talk and listen up twag. I know all the filthy things that went through a guy’s mind. Don’t even think about it. I have 3 things to warn you about. First, my chest area and butt are off limit. Keep your filthy hands in their proper places. Second, I have a black belt in Taekwondo. Thirdly, your groin will always be within the sight of my kneecaps. One stupid move from you and wham bang. I don’t have to spell out what happens right. You get my drift?

It was an agonizing 90 minutes since cheeky knew that his manhood was under constant threat from that menacing looking kneecaps. We were dancing to Timmy Thomas “ Dying Inside to Hold You”, but cheeky was dying inside to get out because he was being manhandled literally by that butch.

Another staple game for orientation is water bombs. Cheeky believes that guys invented the game so that we could have an excuse to wet the gals’ shirt. There are 3 commandments that all guys playing the water bombs have to abide to. The codes are:

1. Thou shalt not waste your water bombs on your fellow brothers.
2. Thou shalt conspire with your fellow brothers to wet as many chicks as possible.
3. Thee pursuit shalt be relentless until objective (2) is met.

Cheeky has one advice to dispense to gals playing water bombs. Please wear extra clothings, because when it comes to water bombs, even mommy’s boys can turn lecherous and beastly in an instant. Just ask those Chinese High students.

New Current Affair Program

Cheekybynature is proud to announce the launch of a new current affair program in the mould of America’s 60 minutes. This new current affair program will be fronted by Dick O’Reilly, a veteran journalist who has worked for New York Times and Washington Post. Dick, by the way, is now a Singapore PR and happily married to a sarong party girl. The program will invite guests who are renowned in their respective fields. Unlike lame mainstream media who are too politically correct in their questioning, the program will be very upfront and ask all the hardass questions. Questions that really need an answer. Answers that the common folks really seek. No efforts will be spared and the guests will be subjected to interrogation-style questioning. Since we all know that important people like to shrug off difficult questions with half-baked shit replies, this new current affair program will be aptly named “6 minutes Full of Shits”. The program will be updated sporadically and will make its debut in a few weeks time. The first guest will be the President of Singapore, S.R Nathan. Watch this blog.

Interview with ex-Mediaworks Artistes

With the merger of mediacorp and mediaworks, we are once again back to square one. Despite all the fake fronts put up by both side, we all know that deep down there are bound to be some sort of resentments and anger. That’s why cheekybynature has dispatch its most bitchy showbiz reporter, Kate who by the way has a mean tongue to match her body, to hunt down former mediaworks artistes and ask them how they feel about the whole thing.

Kate: hi Ix
Ix Shen: oh hi
Kate: So Ix, how does it feel to be back in Mediacorp?
Ix: I think it’s great. It’s a great feeling to be seeing lots of familiar faces and maybe a chance to act alongside my good buddy Tay Ping Hui again.
Kate: are you sure you are going back to Chinese drama division?
Ix: of course, I’m a credible actor, where else do you think I’m going.
Kate: Well, according to my source, there’s a high possibility that you are moving to Kids’ Central.
Ix: Nah, it can’t be true.
Kate: well, frankly speaking, the audiences are all for it. You’ll be doing a great public service.
Ix: what the fuck do you mean by that?
Kate: I mean considering your woody acting and deadpan expression, it would make a lot of sense to place you in a role where not much acting is required
Ix: Nabeh.
Kate: think of it this way, there’s no need for you to work on any facial expressions knowing your head is hidden in a costume, ala Barney, Bananas in Pajamas or Teletubbies.
Ix: Nabeh cheebye.
Kate: Chill Ix, sometimes you have to face the fact. Your acting really sucks.
Ix: Ok, I don’t know why, but my hand is gradually transforming into a fist, so you better scram while you still can.

Kate: Hi Adam.
Adam Chen: Nice to meet you.
Kate: Ok, a few questions to ask you. How does it feel to be working alongside your girlfriend Cynthia Koh now that you are in Mediacorp?
Adam: Haha, not much really.
Kate: Oh come on, surely there’s must be some contentment.
Adam: Haha, ok, maybe a bit.
Kate: So have you recce the whole place. Found any good spot to make out with Cynthia?
Adam: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Kate: Come on, don’t act blur. There’s a lot of spare time to make out in between shootings you know.
Adam: I’m sorry, I like to make a move. I have a job to do.
Kate: A job to do? Where? Back alley, toilet or in the bush?
Adam: You are nuts!

Kate: Hi Darren, care to spare a few minutes?
Darren Lim: Sure.
Kate: Is it awkward for you to be going back and seeing your ex bosses and colleagues.
Darren: No no, not at all. I’m glad to be back in Mediacorp. I have made a lot of good friends before I left. I think with the merger, we are able to pool our resources together and put out more credible programs for the audiences. I can’t wait to see my old colleagues, we have a lot to catch up. Our bonds are incredibly strong despite being away for 4 years.
Kate: Wah, so PR. You rehearse many times at home is it?
Darren: No lah. I speak from the heart.
Kate: Ok, I’m sure everyone will be eager to know. How did you manage to impregnate your wife on the very first night of your wedding, on the very first try?
Darren: I don’t share my sex life with the public, sorry.
Kate: Did you tried out any specific position or consumed any special tonics. Were any kinky toys involved in the whole process? Come on, the country is facing a declining birthrate, dispense some advices to all those pitiful childless couples. Don’t be niao lah.
Darren: I’m really sorry, I’m very uncomfortable with your style of questioning.
Kate: Have you consider joining our national football team. They are really in need of a prolific “goal scorer” like you. One shot, one goal.
Darren: I’m sorry, I really have to go.

Kate: Ann, nice to see you again.
Ann Kok: What the fuck you want?
Kate: Wow, Ann. Why the mean streak in you?
Ann: 6 years out in the wilderness, now I’m back to claim my rightful place as the queen of Caldecot Hill. Fuck off Zoe Tay. Fuck off Fann Wong.
Kate: Pardon my rudeness, but what make you so sure you are up there in the pecking order to replace the queen?
Ann: Hahaha. I have seen Zoe Tay a few days ago. Lets just say she’s has not been taking good care of herself. Quite a few wrinkles on her face and her boobs, although bloated from the pregnancy, have been really saggy. I foresee her days as queen are numbered. As for Fann Wong, she is in the middle of her mating season with Christopher Lee, way too distracted to know what’s going on. This left me as the only credible, attractive and sexy actress on Caldecot Hill. Not to mention I have the biggest boobs around now that Ann Poh is out of the business.
Kate: Ehm… all this still does not convince me you can usurp the throne.
Ann: Haha, I learned from my Kei Lei Fei (extras) days in Hong Kong that to be successful in the showbiz, one has to seduce a dick head who has some influence in the organization. I can tell you frankly that I have just one firmly held in my ample bosom now.
Kate: May I know who?
Ann: Nah, can’t tell. Now just fuck off and make way for the queen.

Ben Yeo: Hi
Kate: Eh…. Hi
Ben: Aren’t you going to ask me some questions?
Kate:……………..
Ben: Go on, I’m glad to answer any of your questions.
Kate: Will you let me go if I do that?
Ben: Yah sure. Go on, I’m eager to answer.
Kate: How does it feel to join Mediacorp?
Ben: I’m extremely delighted to be joining an organization that will offer me ongoing challenges and opportunities. The company is a respectable name in the industry with proven track records in churning out good quality shows in the region. I’m proud to be part of this family and I hope I can excel in my career here.
Kate: Can I go now? Please?

Kate: Hi Yifeng. Free for an interview?
Quan Yifeng: Sure. I always have time for my favorite reporter.
Kate: First off. Considering the bad blood between you and the management prior to your sacking a few years ago, do you think the ties can be mended?
Yifeng: Sure. All those things happened in the past. Let bygone be bygone and start off on a new footing.
Kate: From what I know, the management has not forgiven you for your misdemeanor and your attitudes.
Yifeng: Don’t be silly, if that’s the case they wouldn’t have offered me a contract in the first place.
Kate: According to my source, the reason they lure you back by offering you a contract, is to slowly have fun making your life a living hell while you are here.
Yifeng: I don’t think your source is reliable and it doesn’t make sense. I’m one of the very few capable and eloquent Chinese compere left in Singapore. Where are they going to find another person to replace me if they spite me off?
Kate: My source is pretty credible.
Yifeng: Ok ok, even if it’s true, I don’t care a damn. I’m a strong woman who has weathered many storms and overcoming many challenges thrown to me. I’m simply not intimidated by anything anymore. What can they possibly do to me?
Kate: I heard they are transferring you to Vasantham Central
Quan Yifeng suddenly fainted.