Hong Kong radio stations

Thanks to technology, cheeky is able to listen to his dose of Cantopop on the internet. Cheeky must say that the DJs from the radio stations in Hong Kong are a breath of fresh air compared to our local DJs who’s trying too hard be media friendly and politically correct to the masses. For a start, they pull no punches and say what’s on their mind even if they risk offending someone. To state an example, last night a lady called in to lament about her daughter’s grade, which wasn’t quite bad to begin with. Instead of taking a stand on her side, the DJ lashed out at her, criticising her of imposing ridiculous expectations and pressure on her daughter. Wah kau, cheeky was surprised and hugely entertained by the DJ. Cheeky can’t see our DJs resorting to such antic since they barely have any balls to spare, no thanks to our highly sensitive society where complaining is a national past time. Anyway, most of the Hong Kong DJs are full of delightful sarcasm and wits and it helps that cantonese is a pretty crude language. The whole setup becomes like a coffeeshop conversation where anything goes and everyone and everything is a potential topic for discussion. The icing’s when you have celebrities like Sandra Ng and Eric Tseng as host on the airwave who’ll spare no efforts to take a dig at their celebrity friends. Alas, most of our local celebrities (as well as DJs) are pretty much 2 dimensional in characters so cheeky don’t see much assets in them being guest DJ, cheeky would rather hear the daily prayer broadcasted on RTM1.

The one about women mags

Cheeky has been highly amused by some of the articles found in women mags recently. It all started one lazy afternoon while cheeky was chilling out at a friend’s place when one of the phrase on the cover of a mag caught cheeky’s attention. “10 steps to orgasm”. Wah kau, the horny side of cheeky prompted him to read it. The whole article was pretty erotic in nature and cheeky, in between readings, had to make a few trips to the toilet to recuperate. Since this is a wholesome blog, cheeky will refrain from going into details but this is what cheeky had learned.

• Men are very simple species. They require only one step to achieve orgasm. (the writer is too generous, we only need 1/2 a step)
• It’s the male responsibility to help their partners achieve ‘nirvana’
• The mood and surrounding must be right. (you wouldn’t want to conduct the activity when your folks are watching ‘Ah Cheng’ in the living room)
• Foreplay, lots of it. Advisable to allocate 30 mins to an hour for it. (the female is adviced to resort to slapping to keep her partner from nodding off in the process)
• Food to aid in the process like butter, cream, Da Hua soyasauce, mum’s balanchan etc.
• Communication. Feel free to tell your partner how pathetic he was and the ways to improve himself

Anyway after being enlightened on what a selfish scumbag cheeky had been, cheeky then stumbled on another article titled ‘I fell in love with my daughter’s boyfriend’. Wah kau again. What kind of a story is that. Actually there’s more. There’s the one about a woman stalking his toyboy and another one about orgy parties in the heartland. Man, cheeky never knew that women mags writers have such a rich source of imagination, they should seriously consider writing for TV and the antes are upped each month with mags trying to outdo each other with more outrageous and unbelievable stories. Cheeky also noticed that female mags always allocate spaces for cheesy contests like ‘50 most eligible bachelors’, ‘50 most likeable hunks’, ‘50 most gorgeous people’ etc with the selected few having their poetic and artsy quotes next to their glamour shots. Cheeky would like to quote from one Mr Aw. Mr Aw said ” I only have one word to describe gorgeous, and that word is ‘life’.” Cheeky bet that the Talebans at Guantanamo Bay would be so delighted with Mr Aw’s quote that they would like Mr Aw to join them. There’s nothing wrong with cheesy contests, but then cheeky’s not in it so that makes it a wrong. Blah, cheeky has run out of saliva and would like to conclude with the following irrevelant thoughts.

Thoughts of the day: Does William Hung sporting a pair of sunglasses resemble Wong Kar Wai?

Wrong number lah

I’m sure everyone has the experience of receiving wrong calls on their handphones once in a while, cheeky too. However cheeky always received wrong calls made by ah bengs, ah peks and aunties. Why can’t cheeky receive a wrong call made by a demure lass with an angle like voice or a lady with a sexy panting voice. Cheeky is sure we can cultivate some sort of relationship in that short span of a conversation.

Lass: hello, chris please?
cheeky: oh hello dear, chris not here, but cheeky’s here.
Lass: Ooo…, cheeky, what a cute name.
cheeky: oh haha, wait till you see the person.
Lass: you sound like a naughty boy, I like.
cheeky: thanks, shall we meet and make out later?
Lass: are you kidding me? That sound so fun and interesting.

Yah, in your dreams. In reality, the conversation always go like this.

Lass: HELLO, CHIA HUH?
cheeky: oh hello dear, chia not here, but cheeky’s here.
Lass: CHEE YOUR HEAD LAH!
phone slammed

or like this

someone: hello, siva huh?
cheeky: wrong number.
someone: you sure!?
cheeky: yes, I’m sure.
someone: is your number xxxxxxx?
cheeky: no, my number is not xxxxxxx.
someone: you sure!?
cheeky: yes, I’m sure.

long pause

someone: cheebye.
phone slammed

PSLE trival

Recently people have been writing to the Straits Times forum pages lamenting the difficulty of PSLE questions. Come to think of it, it has been 4 years since cheeky took his PSLE ( yah right ). Anyway, someone cited an example to bring across his/her point.

Question: A rod, half of which is made of iron, the other half made of wood is balanced in the middle. Will the iron part go up or down when heated.

Hey come on, there’s no need to bang your head in shame. Just show some respect to the kid standing next to you when taking the train.

Illogical simplified answer: When iron is heated, it expand ( like cheeky’s waistline ). Now, what happened when you have a ever expanding waistline? Well, for a start your weighing scale malfunction the moment you step on it. Which means you have gained weight and which means the iron part has become heavier and will tips down.

Smarty pant answer: Iron when heated, will expand. Thus, the iron portion will now be longer and, using moments, it will move down. On the other hand, heating up the iron portion will cause a convention current in the surrounding air, resulting in a force pushing the metal upwards. The metal rod could go either way, or remain in its original position.

(yah, I know, what the fuck?)

Logical answer: When the iron portion is heated, it will expand, causing the rod’s centre of gravity to shift towards the metal side. Thus the iron portion will tips down.

Brother Love’s answer: Let me tell you about my ‘rod’. It can expand way beyond… ( beeps………. censored )

Buaya 101

Have you people ever met a buaya? What do you mean you have no idea what a buaya is? Dear dear, young lady if you don’t have a clue what’s a buaya, I suggest you spend the next couple of minutes reading the following, it will be beneficial to your well being. According to talkingcock.com, buaya is Malay for “crocodile”. Means “lothario” or wolf, i.e. sleazy pick-up artist. May also be used as a verb..

According to cheeky, there are 3 categories of buaya. (A) The mildly irritating buaya, (B) the very irritating buaya, (C) the irritating but you dun have a clue that he’s being irritating buaya (cheeky is trying hard to reach this category). Sad to say, most often we encounter alot of (B) in our daily lives. And sad to say, cheeky happened to meet one recently. I must add that this particular type (B) buaya is a big, thought and sight provoking species. You see, cheeky and co. were having a chill out at a cafe, when one of cheeky’s acquaintance brought along a friend. Cheeky did a scan on the friend, lets call him R, and knew instinctly he’s a type (B) buaya (because he got a face most people want to slap/punch/spit/stomp). You know, beady eyes, fat pudgy cheeks and that smirk on his face. To educate everyone on buayaism, we shall take a look at the following classic case study on how a buaya conduct himself and we shall dissect and analyze his every move.

To start off, R was clad in designer wears from head to toe coupled with an oakley sunglasses, earrings etc.
buaya 101: R in this case clearly believe he’s the oriental David Beckham. In fact all type (B) buayas think they are David Beckham
R then did a scan on cheeky’s friends
buaya 101: a standard procedure for all buayas
R politely introduced himself and refrain from speaking too much
buaya 101: a very skilled buaya indeed. R is taking the gentleman approach, A very sneaky fellow.
R began cutting in on some of our conversations
buaya 101: when a buaya senses that the chicks are ignoring him or when he thinks his demure gentleman manner is not working to his advantage, a buaya will not hesitate to make a move, any types of move
R began lending his ‘expert’ view on every topics. By now he’s ignoring all the guys in his vicinity and concentrating on the gals. He started talking about his various life experiences and very ‘modestly’ recounted a few of his achievements.
buaya 101: a buaya will manveuver a conversation to his advantage. Often the conversation will lead to scant references of his achievement and deeds. And he will put on a very ‘modest’ front
After much conversing, one of the gal asked about his occupation. R replied that he is a photographer.
buaya 101: jobs in the creative/media sector are highly sought after by all buayas. These jobs score points with chicks
Being a buaya himself, cheeky sensed that R was exaggerating with regards to his job. Cheeky probed further and R finally revealed that he’s freelancing and he’s not employed at the moment. Cheeky asked a few more question on his works and R replied with one/ two words answers and then promptly excused himself as he went to the washroom.
buaya 101: a buaya has a keen sense of danger. When he feels that he is in a predicament, he will excuse himself and regroup his thoughts and strategies
R returned and a friend asked about having her photo taken by him. R smiled, closed his eyes, crossed his fingers and began ‘visualizing’ and explaining how he would take her photos.
buaya 101: you are witnessing the epitome of buayaism. What an awesome sight
After an agonizing chilling out session, cheeky and co. finally decided to go home and R without fail, handed out his namecards to everyone and bade farewell.
buaya 101: any self respecting buayas have a namecard with attractive sounding job titles. On R’s namecard, it read “professional photographer”

There you have it boys and girls. I hope that the above case study has been insightful for you on how a typical buaya operate and by now should have cultivate a keen awareness of buayas around you. However, if you feel that the above is not enough for you to truly understand buayaism, cheeky will like you to take a look at all freshmen orientations that are conducted in july and august every year. That’s when a whole bunch of buayas are finally unleash from their NS duties.
On another note, Cheeky and co. found out later that R is just an amateur photographer and has recently finished his 6 years contract with the army. What a loser.

Gold 90.5

Lo and behold everyone, cheeky recently discovered he digs gold 90.5. It started one evening when cheeky, out of curiosity tune in to the station to get a feel of twilight years. Cheeky must adds that the station is adept at opening up your crying tap. The dj started off by playing “wind beneath my wings” to warm up everyone tears buds, then it’s “that’s what friends are for ” to open up the staunchest, hardened hearts around followed by “tears in heaven” to make you almost choked with emotions. To culminating all these, the last song played was “he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother”. Man, how can anyone not bawl his eyes out just by listening to that title alone. Cheeky would like to assure everyone that he has not lost his masculinity (though his eyes is still a bit sore) but it is advisable to stay off 90.5 if

• you didn’t strike 4D during the weekend
• your fav football team lost its match
• you just had a bad haircut
• you had a tiff with your boyfriend/girlfriend/family/pet/plant
• you haven’t had your dinner yet and are really starving

In order to treat post 90.5 trauma, please tune in to wkrz 91.3 for some perking techno to lighten up your mood to the tune of “ai ya ya, I’m your little butterfly” and friends.