Idols Fever

What’s up with all the Idols fever man? If you want to see talents, I urge you, I strongly urge you to come to K-box at paradiz centre. Me and my khakis will be most willingly to belt out a few hokkien melodies for you, heck if orgies is not your cup of tea, you can join me in the shower room one-on-one but keep your bloody filthy hands and maybe your feet to yourself. Now lets talk about those contestants. I’m sure they are thinking of stardom and so on, but most likely the winner will signed a contract with mediacorp and be cast as some molester in Crimewatch. It’s not a shame because Crimewatch enjoy high approval ratings from aunties and Ah Peks.

Speaking of the judges.
Dick Dick Dick, we all know you were the bunt of many jokes during your childhood but please don’t vent your frustrations and humiliations on those poor souls. I don’t know what you did to piss your parents off but Mom and Pop must have named you Dick for a reason. Think of people worse off than you, heck think of my friend Chee Hong, guess how he felt all these years. Go easy on the contestants, you are a bigger dick, I mean a bigger man than that.
And grandpa Douglas, why so quiet during the show? Jack up the hearing aid old man.
Ken we sympathize with you, we really do. It’s a traumatic experience to be involved in the Echo boys project years ago but it’s all in the past. Let it go ken, just let it go. And go easy on the sleeping pills at night.
Florence, we know you want to portray yourself as a gutsy woman with a mind of your own unlike sweet Paula who has no qualms about spreading her legs for anyone just so everyone would like her. But you are there for a reason and you jolly well know it. As a vase to decorate the set, albeit a vase with cracks but still a vase nonetheless.
With that, I like to see more hugs, hi-fivers, tears and kisses in future episodes. And bring back the bananaman, I like that guy.

The Olympics and Jap shows

The Olympics showing now reminds me of 2 jap shows way way way…………… back. Both were damn dramatic and greatly exaggerated.

The first one was about tennis. I can’t really recall much about the show, but it’s about this talented tennis player with a silver racket. Now this silver racket can’t let you exchange a free ‘hello kitty’ but it enable you to hit shots that will make your opponents mumbled ” what fuck “. You see, with this racket you can hit and serve unbelievable and dramatic shots to traumatize your opponents. The character had a signature move that enable the ball to spin and ran along the net before dropping onto the opponent’s half. If he were to hit such ball today, I tell you he will surely kena walloped by people.

The other one was about volleyball. It’s about this girl who lived in the countryside who wanted to play volleyball but his father objected. Seeing her determination and perseverance, he finally relented but not before she can passed a test. The father tied a ball on a pole and told her if she can managed to smack the ball, she can go to Tokyo. So the girl tried and tried and finally smacked the bloody damn ball. The father gave his blessing and the girl began her journey ( but not before giving her father a few smacks as well ). Having no foundation, the girl started from the lowest rung, but the coach noticing how hardworking she was (she was mopping the floor with a constipated look), started to teach her some moves and then realized this girl got some potential. The coach then imparted to her some skills that allowed her to served and smacked balls that defied the law of physics. The balls she smacked would flew around the court like a cruise missile and hit opponents in the face, stomach and butt. So the girl and her team hantam their opponents all the way and finally won the national championship. This is as much as I can possibly remember about the show. By the way I can still hum the song of the show.
On another note, the jap team had lost their match against china in the athen Olympics.

National Day Rally

Wah lau eh the rally damn long sia, more than 3 hours. Anyway, here’s some comments about the rally.

1. How did he control his bladder with all the strong aircons and the constant sipping of tea. Along the way, I noticed some audiences with constipated expressions with a sorrowful glaze fixated in the direction of the toilets.
2. Performances and exhibitions are now permitted at the speakers’ corner. It’s a good idea because the only speakers there right now are the pigeons.
3. Civil servants are to have 5-day work week. This is unfair. Being servants, they are already entitled to many benefits compared to us masters. A servant never has it so good.
4. The audiences were an easily amused lot. They laughed at the slightest resemblance of a joke. Kumar will have them rolling on the floor begging ” no more aneh, no more, me got weak kidney lah” if he’s to perform in front of them.
5. More goodies to tempt women to get laid. By now, they should have know that goodies alone are not enough. They need to be spooked. Begin by running a series of ads depicting sorrowful sights of single elderly in their twightlight years.

Crossroad

Just popped by Emily’s blog and she mentioned about crossroad. Hmm, the word seems to cling onto us when we reached a certain age. This was more evident when I went back for my reservist. My garang unit you see pestered me to go back every year without fail, sometimes twice a year to perform my sacred duty (not to defend my country lah but to pass my IPPT). During these times, me and my platoon mates will start to share stories, lobangs, gossips to pass the time (yes I know, we resembled aunties at the voiddecks). And it’s a different set of conversation we had each time we went back.
Our first reservist took place when we had just graduated. Then everyone had embarked on his career and was full of inspiration, dreams, hopes and ambitions (Donald Trump, man I can do better than that Tramp, hahahaha). We talked about careers, goals etc.
During our next reservist one year later, topics still revolved around pretty much the same things but on a milder manner.
Then on our next reservist, things started to go philosophical. I was having a chat with a mate and the conversation went something like this:

Me: wah the lesson just now damn boring man.
Mate: yup.
Me: heh, you work in a bank hor, can advice me……
Mate: have you ever stop and think about life?

Me blink my eyes

Me: huh?
Mate: you know, are you happy with your current life?

If you must know, I’m most happy if I can have a plate of nasi lemak now. I’m starving.

Mate: man, I’m sick of my job, my life.

And so the conversation changed into a philosophy lesson on Socrates, Pluto, about life and self fufilment. Feelings were poured out, tears came flowing and hugs were exchanged. No lah, just kidding, this is a military camp not Oprah ok, but you get the idea.
And it seems that many of my mates were having thoughts of embarking on something new. In fact, one of my mate, an engineer is ditching his career and flying to Canada to learn to be a chef.
So if you are still young and stuck in a crossroad, don’t hesitate, make a dash while the green man is still flashing. Like our Prime Minister said, don’t wait for tea to be served, make your own milo, kopi-o, and teh terak. Wah, feel so inspired after saying all these, must go grab a plate of nasi lemak to eat.

Gilmore Girls

Lately I came across this show call gilmore girls, not a bad show. It’s a kind of feel good show, you know, no tragedies waiting to happen, quirky and adorable characters, witty dialogues and a beautiful setting of a small town. Everyone is so friendly and nice to each other. After watching it, I starts to look around my neighborhood. Ah yes, the uncle living next door has resumed his hourly routine of spitting coupled with throat clearing sound effect. The auntie 3 doors away attemping a faint impression of Theresa Teng ( or is she imitating her cat) and some shouting along the lines of ‘knn’, ‘nb’. I went downstairs for dinner and the coffeeshop lady starts to shriek in a deaf defying voice that would made pavarotti wag his tail in retreat and then 2 uncles started to quarrel over something which I reckon must be related to health because certain parts of the human body has been mentioned quite frequently by them. Relax lah uncles, watch gilmore girls, it’s soothing to the soul.

Uncle

I know gals fret about being called auntie, guys too. Not being called auntie lah, but uncle. Man, I’m still young to be called uncle, really I am. Why that cheeky little kid got the audacity to call me that. I’m not bald, no moustache, my face is still quite elastic, quite a cute face somemore (hey, stop vomitting hor), so why?

kid: uncle can donate or not?
me: oh, ha ha, I think you should call me ‘gor gor’ not uncle.
kid: wah ‘gor gor’, you very handsome, can donate?
me: hahaha, wah you got a sweet tongue hor, here’s a dollar.
kid: wah ‘gor gor’, you remind me of Tony leung leh.
me: hahaha, $100 enough or not. Come take my spare change as well. Hahaha
kid: Thank you very much. Bye bye uncle.
me: Ho ha ha, not before I choke you to death first.

Reality TV shows

Help help, reality shows are invading our tv. Does anyone know how many reality shows are currently showing on tv? Do you want to poll the audience, call a friend or go for 50/50?
Where are my ‘Frasier’, ‘Ally McBeal’ and many others delightful scripted shows? Chances are, we will see less of them. You see, according to statistic, out of the top 10 shows shown on tv in the US last year, 7 are reality shows. This means network will be allocating more resources and money to them.
From what I known, a new reality dating show currently showing in the US comes with a twist. The gorgeous lady whom all the guys are lustily vying for used to be (drum rolls……..) a man. Wah lau eh, I tell you the networks are really trying to outdo each other. What are they going to come up with next? Putting priests in an apartment full of playboy models to test their faith? (actually not a bad idea hor). If foreign reality shows are not your cup of tea, there’s one currently showing at our own backyard………. at Joo Chiat. Bring out the claws baby, meow…..

P.S: Season 2 of ‘eye for a guy’ is underway. This time it’s a guy, and the man in question is the winner from last season.

G-string

So there I was, minding my own business and playing my pool when this guy walked over and stood with his back opposite me. As he proceeded to take his shot, he bend down and lo and behold there it was. A wimpsy piece of g-string revealed itself beneath his hipster jean. Wah pian eh, uncle I haven’t makan yet leh.
I have no problems with girls wearing g-strings (who does?), but guys?
Does a piece of g-string has enough material to support your eh… asset?
Let say, you went to a pub, you saw some hot chicks and proceeded for some small talk with her. Then the chick started to talk dirty and then certain part of your body underwent certain drastic reaction, and then your g-string snapped. Ho ho ho, all together now, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle all the way, dangling here, dangling there, dangling everywhere. But I bet you don’t mind a bit, don’t you?

Seize the day

What do ‘The Alchemist, ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ and ‘The Little Prince’ have in common? They makes tons of money, changed the lives of many people (or so we were told by the marketing people) and they preach the same message to its readers, which is “Life is short, seize the day”.
Do we need any one to tell us that, of course not lah. If there’s one thing we excel in, that’s ’seize the day’ baby. At the buffet, we nudge and seize the last plate of sashimi, in the train, we push and seize whatever seats available, we seize to be the first in line for the NDP tickets and then we seize any money opportunity available by selling that very same ticket on the internet.
So the next time some foreigners say to you, “how come you people so kiasu?” You tell them, “wah lau, this is not kiasu, we are just trying to seize the day mah.”